Let's Get Down to Business

I've been going on a lot of 'dates' lately but maybe I should call them first meetings. They went well, very nice guys but again, lacking in chemistry. But this isn't to say that it was wasted time because they bring about the potential for a budding friendship, not to mention getting to explore new places in the city I otherwise wouldn't have known about.

Dating right after a separation is said to help the moving on process but every time I'm on a date with someone that I don't have chemistry with, it just makes me think of the last person that did. It's a draining process. It's tough to admit weakness, that I still think about the last guy from time to time. I miss him. Even though every fiber of my body is trying to push those feelings away into a box and kick it to the curb, I still have moments where I miss him.

I've decided to cut back on the actively looking for someone to date plan and go back to what has always been more successful - the organic approach. Everyone I've been interested in, I've usually met in situations of unexpected serendipaciousness.

I'm going to go back to focusing on other things in my life and let love be a byproduct, just like Mulan. I may not have an entire country to save but I still do have parents that I want to make proud.

P.S. Yay Christmas! Now I can officially add Christmas songs to my playlist.

Labels: city life, decisions, love

Now That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies

I'm not used to this 'being interested in someone' thing. I think for me, because it's so few and far between and if it doesn't work out, it feels like this big missed opportunity that has just passed me by. I can't help but wonder about the 'what if's and how that 'we' in that path would have looked.

Either way, the whole process of liking someone is so foreign to me because I am so quick to judge. As I've said, it only takes me a few seconds to know if I feel a connection and then I go from there to see if it turns into something more. But in that process, I always look for the dealbreakers, the reasons why things wouldn't work out. Most of the time, the more obvious ones on the surface, I notice quickly, and they put me off very fast (e.g. hygiene, loss of things to talk about, unmotivated) but then it's becoming clearer to me that the bigger ones are the ones I notice, but for some reason, never register. These are the ones that always get me in trouble.

I dated this guy, that in the midst of our many phone conversations of which he initiated, had mentioned that 1. he didn't know if he wanted a relationship and had turned several people down, and 2. he had only recently come out. Being a new gay can mean a lot of things and in some cases, just means they want to play the field and explore this gay land without being tied down. Everyone's entitled to it, I didn't. That thing is definitely fine for friendship but not the best for dating or a relationship. When he said these things, we hadn't gone on anything resembling a date and it was more of a getting to know him thing; at this point, he could still fall in any of the friendship, dating, sex ladders. Little did I know that both those things would be the reasons he broke things off. I committed the biggest no-no in thinking that I would be the exception, that things would be different with me.

Another guy is a med student. I met him at a time when he actually had some time, and I think that was a bad twist of fate since I - or we - got deluded into believing that there would always be some time to spare. We went two weeks without talking more than a text here or there and I wasn't sure if another reason existed beyond him being really busy. During that time, I had to wonder if I could even handle being in a relationship where that was the norm, and I couldn't make a decision. But I didn't have to anyway since my instincts were correct again. I was fine and understood but I don't think I'll ever get used to the finality of it all, the entering each others' lives but now there's just no room for you here part. The way people come in and out of your life as if they're just a guest star in your so-called life, I don't think you ever really get used to that - at least right after it happens.

My friend, as a way of consoling me, told me I "shouldn't get attached until I know it's for the long run." I wouldn't say I get attached so much as I see potential. If I see that potential, I want to give it a chance to grow. But I guess I've been seeing potential with guys at all the wrong times. I need to remember that just because a seed can grow doesn't mean that you're able to give it the water, sunlight, and TLC that it needs. In the long absences between interests, I still wonder about these "missed opportunities" but maybe that's a dangerous thing to do because who's to say that their excuses about timing weren't just cliches that were meant to cover up the fact that they were just not that into me.

Do I really need to change the way I view people and chemistry? Another friend who does the same thing says maybe in that initial filter, we're letting in the bad ones and blocking out the gems. I wondered about it but still think that chemistry isn't something that can suddenly manifest. Oh Attraction, what a fickle thing you are.

Maybe the biggest thing to take from this shouldn't be focused on how you aren't good enough or that you couldn't fit into their lives, but more about how you should always view yourself; you should view yourself as someone that is deserving of time, effort, and love, and if a guy cannot appreciate you the way you deserve, now that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

Labels: love

Everyone Deserves A First Chance

I remember my dad told me when I was relatively young that his policy is to trust everyone, to give everyone that chance but if they do something to make you lose that, then they’re cut. Obviously it’s a bit simplified since I was a young teen then but I still live by that now adjusting it to give people second chances if the situation called for it. I do that with friends and I feel the same applies to love. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been interested in a guy. I think because it happens so rarely, I feel I should give each prospect a fair chance and so I make that conscious decision to open the door to vulnerability. I want to give every chance my all as to not limit what that pairing could potentially be.

The last post I wrote was about feeling lonely, and that was the weekend before I flew back to NYC. It’s been over a month since I’ve been back and after getting over the initial funk of immobility and laziness the appendicitis put me through, I feel much better. The job search is still chugging along trying to find something stable but I’m doing some freelance work on the side in the meantime. In other news, I started dating again; it’s weird how you can be in a drought for months and in two weeks, have prospects start lining up.

The first guy I went on a date with was a nice guy. On paper, it sounded good; we have a lot of things in common: same obscure taste in movies, foodie mentality – but there was just absolutely no tension or chemistry. I could have been on autopilot and it wouldn’t have made a difference, which really makes me believe in this notion of chemistry. In my history of attraction, it only takes me 30 seconds to place people in ladders (friends, dating, sex), and I can tell in one date usually if it has the potential to go anywhere. It’s funny thinking about the ladders since each person has his/her own respective way on organizing them and which ones can overlap. For me, dating implies sex but being doable doesn’t mean they’re dateable. Guys that only fall in the friends ladder have never moved to the other two ladders. I’ve never developed feelings for someone if I never had the initial attraction to begin with.

The second guy I went on a date with I didn’t even expect to meet. A last minute mixer invitation Dandan got the night before took us there as a first stop to our Friday night of bar hopping and the stars aligned pretty amazingly to even get us to the point of the night where we would consider getting each others’ numbers. We went out a week later and it was a great first date, probably the best first date I’ve ever had. The restaurant was quaint and intimate, the food was delicious, and the company was heartwarming. No joke, I must have looked a fool smiling as much as I did but I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the dim lighting but this guy had me at “Uh. Hmm. I’m fine with anything.”

Since then, there was a moment when I felt like things were becoming too real. I shut off from feeling things because it brought me back to a point last year when I was having feelings after only knowing someone two weeks, that is, until he decided to back out apologizing if “I” felt he was leading me on. Honestly, if you call me every day when you get off work and want to talk every night before you sleep, there is no “if you felt,” it’s simply, you did. Own up to it. I was scared that this was déjà vu and I really didn’t want to have the same thing happen again but I still hear my dad’s words ring in my head and I want to give every person that chance so he deserves it too. Things are still really new so I’m more about taking it slow and really enjoying the time we actually get to spend together.

Labels: family, friends, love

My Heart is So Messy

Doesn't translate well, but that's a direct translation of a Cantonese phrase (我心好亂) for how I feel right now. My heart is so scattered right now and I can't really control the irrational feelings that are taking over me right now nor can I make any real sense of them.

I think it's more about having been single and crush-free for nine months and having the inkling of one happen now has made me feel like I'm missing something, which of course the rational part of me is telling me to stop being such a woman. Though still I guess it's not too bad; breaking down for feeling lonely for the first time in nine months isn't such a bad track record.

Either way, I'm appendix-free and 2 days from being back in NYC. Gotta try to make the best out of the last few months of 2009 and being 23 so that this year is not known solely as the year the appendix happened.

Labels: loneliness, love

500 Days of Summer Movies

This has really been the summer for movies for me. I can't remember the last time I actually went to the theater to watch this many films in one summer as I have this year. This habit is actually quite bad considering ticket prices have increased substantially and in New York, $12-18 happens to be the range and I've seen probably five films thus far: the hits (500 Days of Summer, Paper Heart, Up) and the misses (Transformers 2, Harry Potter 6). With the exception of Up, it was truly the indie films that have taken my heart this summer.

I've known about 500 Days of Summer for quite a while now. I discovered it like I discover most of my films: IMDB hopping. This is how I discovered Brokeback Mountain and Juno very early and had a feeling they were going to be big; I predicted the same to happen with 500 Days of Summer so time has yet to tell. But really, what a movie. The narration and tag line say it all, "This is not a love story. This is a story about love."

It's not a typical rom com but it definitely has elements of the genre. The more I think about this film, the more I fall in love with it. There was this beautiful scene of the main characters chatting on the Amtrak with the sunset glow shining through the windows; totally reminiscent of Before Sunrise and evoked my own nostalgic memories of being on that same train.

I got buckled into this bumpy emotional roller coaster of a ride and was so captivated by both its effortless beauty and brutal honesty. I read some reviews on how the film is a little too two-dimensional because Summer's character (played by Zooey Deschanel) isn't fleshed out enough or that her and Tom (played by Joseph Gorden-Levitt) had trouble finding chemistry but having watched the film, I saw those two 'problems' more as the movie's and actors' strengths depicting the authenticity of life and relationships. I mean, how often in life do we ever know the exact point of view of our exes? We want to know why they want to break up or fell for another right after or during said relationship, and we want all the answers but will never be satisfied with any of them. In the movie, Tom happens upon Summer post-breakup and asks those same questions and I sat with my arms tensely across my chest bracing for the train wreck of brutal words that were about to depart from her lips, and ouch did they hurt.

As for chemistry, they fell in and out of it because Tom is completely enamored and can't see any sign of problems. Even in the times we do see them happy still show her being superficially detached, which he chooses not to see. We zip back and forth through his memories of her and all the ones he chooses to remember, say, and show us are the good ones. As was said in the movie by his little (but might as well have been older) sister, it was suggested he just never focused on the bad ones and they were plentifully present.

At times, the movie felt utterly depressing because it was so easy to relate and see yourself in Tom being self-destructive when his life has derailed and he's unable to get himself back on track. But what I liked more about this film was knowing that having gone through similar situations, I have also come back stronger and way better off than before. Sometimes, like Tom, I still reminisce and see the good parts about the guys I've dated; it's not that I neglect or don't see the bad parts but more that I have come to terms with them so there's no need to dig them up again. I don't know, I think I'll always be the kinda guy that chooses to see the good.

Labels: film, love