Eternal Destiny

(20) Homecoming

2011-07-08T00:23:00.003-04:00

I just got back from a 13 day whirlwind trip to Chicago, Bay Area, and Vegas. I had a ridiculous amount of fun filled with new experiences and new friendships and I'm even accounting for the fact that I got a terrible flu when I got home to the bay but it still felt great because it gave me an excuse to rest.

I feel like every time I'm home, I have a lot of pressure and desire to see a bunch of people and go out but I was bedridden for most of that week and I can't even get anywhere since I don't have a car of my own anymore. But it felt great to spend time at home with my family and my dog, eat good Chinese food, finish entire seasons of The Killing and Pretty Little Liars (don't judge). It's a weird feeling being home though since I feel like I always get transported back to my 18 year old self, submissive and dependent. It's just really easy to fall into that role with my parents there and it hasn't felt this jarring until now. Prior to this visit, I hadn't been home for 8 months, I've grown a lot in that time and have become even more independent and set in my comfortable ways of having the food I want in the fridge, or the cups and bowls I like to use. Not having that made me feel out of place and not at home anymore (and also made me ant to remodel the house a bit, which I guess I could do in August). It was the first time I really thought of NYC now as my dominant home.

I wanted to be home, to be able to walk to get to my destination or run a few blocks west so I can watch the sun set over the Hudson. I craved the comfort and warmth my small bedroom gives me knowing that everything I need is a roll and an arm length's away. Hell, I even missed seeing the damn Whole Foods down the block.

(19) It Gets Better: 10 Years Later

2011-05-15T13:12:00.003-04:00

I've been having a lot of "I Love New York" moments recently, things I haven't felt in quite a while. I felt that way a lot when I had first moved here since everything was fresh and new but in true New York fashion, you're quick to become jaded and just stuck in your own vortex of shit.

I think recovering from my failed attempts at love has brought me back. I was pushing full force into an image of who I thought I should be. At the time, it was harmless because it was a simple idea of wanting to move forward faster and putting myself out there more but like a failed Inception, the idea instead evolved into me becoming an attention-seeking, negative, vulnerable, jaded, shallow shell. I realized what I had become only when I messaged someone on Grindr, "Hey how's it going," which apparently elicited a response of "No chinks." I wasn't so much angry or really cared about the obvious racism but just that I had been seeking attention from any source while being way too vulnerable. I didn't like the person I was and I didn't think that was who I should be.

From that point on, I took a step back to just focus on myself. I started running along the Hudson after work on days when it's been nice out. I run further each time discovering new parts of the city I never knew existed. I remembered the reasons why I fell in love with this neighborhood are west of 8th avenue so I spend most of my warm down walking past the beautiful brownstone buildings dreaming of the day when I'll own one, all whilst avoiding the sugary scent of cupcakes and whoopie pies emanating from Billy's storefront.

I went for dinner and drinks with a few of my best girlfriends. We were waiting to be seated at this cocktail bar and we got on the topic of coming out or if my parents knew. I had never told them the actual story and so I went into it briefly noting the way they confronted me about it by having my dad drive me to Shoreline park and having the talk in the parking lot, me being silent, my mom screaming, and that I almost killed myself. Throughout the conversation, there was someone waiting in line for the bathroom and he interjected and just said that one of his best friends is gay and almost killed himself too and was just grateful that him and me didn't and he reached out his hand to shake mine. His hand was soft, gentle, and warm, and I was extremely humbled.

That will probably be a moment I remember for the rest of my life.

(18) I'm Still Learning

2011-03-24T20:37:00.002-04:00

When I see a guy and I think about his dating potential, I always ask myself, “Do I see myself with him?” I think about whether or not I fit into his life and it’s never the other way around. I don’t think if he fits into my life, with my friends, or is okay with me being a huge nerd. And that’s a really dangerous thing. Even though the result is the same, the perspective still remains that I never put myself first. I am still in the role of a pleaser.

During my first relationship, it was long distance for the first few months and I prioritized him so much that I would cancel any plans I had if he was able to hang out. I would finish all my homework and papers before the weekend we would be together so I wouldn’t have to divide my time. Even though it was great to battle my major procrastination issues, it never bothered me that I always put him first. I wanted to. That pattern has rarely changed.

When I dated a med student, I knew I wouldn’t be a priority in terms of time or friends and such but I had lowered myself so much to cope with that reality. I told myself I was okay with that, that I wouldn’t need to see someone that often. I told myself that I was okay being in 5th on a list.

The only time I thought any differently was if my feelings weren’t there. After the on and off relationship I had, I knew my heart wasn’t in it and I knew that he didn’t get me. He wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, some docile image he had of me that he claimed to love. But I just never saw myself with him, at least not someone I would want to date long term. I wasn’t going to bring home a 27 year old waiter to meet my parents.

After every situation, I’ve learned. I never felt like I could be entirely comfortable in my first relationship so I learned that I wanted to be with someone who understood me. I thought that meant something deeper like a cultural understanding or having a similar upbringing so I dated a Cantonese guy but then I realized afterward we had nothing in common.

I’m still learning. I mean, I only realized within the past year that I could meet someone who could match my wit and intellect. I hope when I meet my next love that I’ll be strong and aware enough to resist thinking of the ways in how I fit in his life and instead think about how well we work together.

(17) Scott

2011-03-16T02:16:00.004-04:00

And like Taylor Swift, this time I'm naming names. Though I think this might be the first time I've actually done so. I'm not sure why this time feels right to do so or if it actually adds anything but his name is Scott. In this moment, I miss him a lot.

I think he will always be someone I think about. Someone I remember fondly even though there were a lot of disappointments. But for him, I’ll always only think about the good times, the warmth I felt when we were together. I think it’s because I compare my feeling with him like seeing something for the first time. Like a first love. I never knew I could connect on a deeper level with someone so what I felt in those moments are very special to me. And I think it becomes dangerous when we think about that too, to think about how much someone has given us that we can't fathom that he could or would feel any less than what we did. And I think that’s also why I can’t bring myself to text him again. I have moments where missing him becomes unbearable, when every text, call, or email I hope is from him. But nothing’s changed. He doesn’t care enough to reach out to me and I can’t reach out again if any part of me wants more than friendship. And I think a part of me always will.

It sounds stupid to say this out loud as I’m trying to find the words to write.
I know I don’t love him but I knew if conditions were right, for him, I would.

(16) Inception Fail

2011-03-06T22:45:00.002-05:00

I had a dream about someone, someone I had decided to put behind me. I had this dream the night after I had made that decision. Now, I’ve heard that you dream about thoughts or events that happened the day before sleeping but it doesn’t make you feel any less shitty.

It’s worse because I dreamt about him meeting my parents, being a perfect gentleman, and kissing me goodbye as he left to catch his flight. I walked him outside revealing we were in some crazy fantasy world covered in ice as we were holding each other, keeping warm, kissing.

I woke up distraught. I know putting him behind me is the best decision but apparently there’s a big part of me unwilling to let him go yet.

It was hard enough coming to that decision to put him behind me, to then unknowingly construct a reality for one night where I felt everything that I wanted with him just to know that I can’t have that.

It makes the decision more painful but it doesn’t change the fact that the decision still stands. I wondered if that dream was some sign, some outside power telling me not to give up on him yet. But that’s foolish because nothing’s changed. I may still be the one with feelings for him but he doesn’t. At least not enough.

(15) How Do We Get It So Wrong?

2011-03-01T23:30:00.005-05:00

You meet someone.

You feel something.

You change yourself. Without being conscious of it, you fall into their pace.

What is it about them that does that to us, to make us prioritize them, to become someone you don't recognize, to lose all the strength you regularly possess?

When did love become our kryptonite?

Did Superman ever find a way to be immune? Or does he always need a human to throw it away? I wonder if I'm the same, if I need a friend to point out that I'm not myself with someone.

I'm still waiting to find someone I can be myself with, where I have no inclination to hide parts of myself or to be an image of who I think I should be.

I'm still waiting to find someone who makes me a priority without having to ask.

I'm still waiting to find someone who can handle that I like to binge on games of Starcraft 2 every once in awhile or knows that I love to start a night of drinking with gin.

I'm still waiting to get it right.

All it takes is one.

(14) Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?

2011-02-28T12:51:00.004-05:00

I spent the better part of this weekend (after procrastinating by watching StarCraft 2 tournaments) doing my taxes. As I was sorting out all my receipts over the past year, I would be taken back to every meal, every purchase – things I had remembered but not necessarily on a specific date or sequentially.

A flood of emotions came over me when I happened upon the receipt for the restaurant where I had my first date with someone I had been on and off with for a year (before things were on and off). He had the Cioppino and I had the Lobster Ravioli. I actually remember it being a solid first date. But now that I think about it, I’ve had many solid first dates that never amounted to anything so maybe I should rethink that as being a good sign. I also happened upon the receipt for the Subway sandwich I bought the morning after he confessed he had feelings for me (two offs and an on after the first date), a confession I had been waiting three months for.

It brought back all the memories I had shelved, all the feelings from that moment, pure feelings. I felt warm, joy, cautious hope at moments when I felt so strongly for him.

Obviously, it’s been a rough year. Someone asked me, “Why is there always such a large amount of drama happening around you?” I replied “Cause I’m not good at cutting people out of my life. I give more chances than deserved.” Ironically, I said this to the guy I have feelings for and I’ve given multiple chances to as well. So on that note, I think he might need to be cut as well.

It’s hard when you realize how much toxicity you’ve allowed into your life. It’s also hard because even still, I’m always hoping to be proven wrong. Hoping for an apology, a taking of one’s responsibility for his mistakes, to have some humility when in reality, all I got was anger, entitlement, and disrespect leaving no room for any civil discourse.

(13) When To Walk Away

2011-02-17T18:49:00.003-05:00

I haven’t felt this feeling in awhile. To want something. To want someone. I spent a lot of the past few months more about building myself back up to where I wanted to be. I got there. I am there. But I fell back into someone’s eyes. Someone’s smile. To be vulnerable with someone you already know could and has hurt you is hard.

When do you walk away? When someone makes you cry? But crying also means that he’s someone you care about losing. It’s not like I’ve never been able to get over someone. I know I have, I know I’ve been to the lowest lows and cried for weeks and somehow you get pulled back to being you. But when do we know when to give up ourselves? I think so many of the cases in the past have been that that guy gave up on me, on any idea of an us. So I had to.

But being stuck on this yoyo, I’m the only person who can choose to cut me loose. I don’t know if I’m holding onto an idea, onto checklist items of things I like. You never really know until after it’s over.

I just looked at some random thoughts I kept in my blog drafts, I talked about someone last year, that I liked the idea of him, that he was the epitome of what I wanted in a guy. I believed it then since they were more general concepts and personality traits – honest, vulnerable, hard working, self-sufficient – but in hindsight now that it’s over and after getting to know him more (yesterday makes a year now), I realize that those things were also the things that I ended up disliking and it really highlighted our incompatibility. He was overly sensitive about comments I made, which was just me joking around like I do with all my friends. As well, he is a bit older and I feel professionally in his career, it would be hard for him to move up and out of where he is now, and it's just hard when you see yourself moving forward and the other not so much.

Maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to let go of the new guy. Because he contrasts the old. He’s driven, successful, funny, we talk about Franzen and politics, and I can call him an asshole as a term of endearment and he plays along. We connected on levels that I usually only connect to with friends. I had given up on the idea that I could find that same connection in a romantic prospect.

Though that said, I think it best to shelve him for now. I know that I want to take some time for myself. Whether that means being single, making new friends, or even going on dates with new prospects. I think every year should begin with some freshness so that looking back on each year, you can remember some significant parts about it.

(12) How I Met Your Father

2011-02-13T11:18:00.008-05:00

I had a dream that Neil Patrick Harris had a twin brother / doppelganger / clone that was actually Barney Stinson, his misogynistic very-hetero character on How I Met Your Mother. I was actually part of the cast of the show but it was my reality as in we actually were those characters and not the actors portraying them.

We were at a preview screening for a Broadway play that NPH directed and we were seated on the East Balcony. We started off being affectionate in the caring sort of way. He wasn't feeling well so I rubbed his back. He was leaning on me quite often and smiling. I eventually looped my arm through his and he didn't seem to care. We then switched to holding hands, he would smile at me. I looked at him and told him for what I knew was the first time, "I love you." He seemed slightly taken aback and I told him he didn't have to say anything since I knew he wasn't good in that department but he muttered shyly, "Me too."

There was an accident at the theater and something actually fell on his head as he protected me, leaving him with amnesia. He didn't remember me at all, scoffing at the idea that he could ever love a man. It became too hard to be around so I told Ted not to bring it up any more with Barney and that I was going to move back home. Barney didn't care of course, leaving me with a cold goodbye, and so I left to the airport. Ted tried to keep his word but Barney was talking bad of me, asking Ted how he could be friends with me. Ted couldn't take it anymore and told him everything, saying that Barney had told him once that he had never cared for anyone as much as he did me. Through the conversation, Barney remembered everything. Flashes of memories and scenes started to come back. Realizing what he was about to lose, he rushes to the airport where coincidentally we first met.

We flash back to that time outside a gate where a man was about to commit a crime. He had created a scene, everyone panicked and crouched. Barney and I were close to him and someone was in trouble and instead of helping her, he ran away cowardly. Afterward, I found an opening and took down the criminal. After the police had secured him, I went over to Barney, smacked him on the shoulder, and asked him, "What kind of man are you?"

Back in present time, I'm about to enter my gate but he yells my name, tells me to stop. He tells me not to go. At this point, I'm not sure if he's remembered anything as his words are scattered and make little sense until he asks me, "What kind of man would I be to let you leave?" And so I stayed. But I also woke up. Boo.

(11) It Gets Better

2011-01-27T15:35:00.001-05:00

I honestly believe that the “It Gets Better campaign” is one of the most important, innovative movements of our time. Of course I knew they were happening but I just never felt like I could do something or knew who I could help. But now that the media finally decided to put a name, a face, a story with this specific issue, we are all forced to do something.

I read the articles detailing another teen suicide, I watch videos of people sharing their painful stories, and I instantly transport back to when I was 16 years old, standing in the garage looking for the exactoknife because I felt like I had no other way out of the situation I was then in.

It’s really easy to be affected by it even if you aren’t LGBTQ but I don’t think anyone but us who are in it can ever fully understand. Legally, it’s similar to racism and being a second-class citizen but unlike race where you can’t hide the color of your skin, a lot of us hide that part of ourselves for many years of our lives because we fear losing our support systems – our family, friends, and colleagues.

It’s sad seeing how segregated we are as a gay community. A lot of times, gay guys and lesbians won’t mix with a lot of negative terms thrown about. Within gay guys as well, there are varied groups – bears, twinks, daddies, rice queens, etc. and in NYC, the bars and cliques show that with no intermixing. Supposedly one that I used to frequent now discriminates against gay Asians.

But then I watch the It Gets Better videos and I realize that all of us are united by this pain, this rite of passage we’ve somehow survived. We all have our own stories. Many of us have been lost along the way. I think the reason I get so affected is because I could have been one of the latter. I stood there with exactoknife in hand wondering if that was the end. In the blur that I never really think or talk about often, I remember I was scared. Somehow, I had enough fear to put that knife down, enough reason to live, enough reason to figure out that it did get better.

I honestly don’t remember how it got better. There must be some residual trauma of the process and fighting with my parents and crying that my subconscious is blocking but that’s not what matters anymore because the important part is that I’m still here. I think about if I hadn’t lived in the more liberal area where I grew up, hadn’t had the family that I do, had been bullied more and didn’t have the support and love from my friends… that I wouldn’t be able to see a way out, to wait a day to see how I felt then, that then my parents would have had to bury their son in 2002.

It’s 2011, and I love my life. I’m crying as I write this – tears of joy for everyone in my life, tears of sorrow for all we have lost. So if by any chance, someone out there is where I was 9 years ago, please put that knife down. Hold on. Hold on until we can write a better future for you.

(10) New Year's Resolution

2011-01-17T00:19:00.001-05:00

2010 was a messy year when it came to my love life. I jokingly talked with a friend that my new year's resolution was to have my love life be uncomplicated. But in true fashion, I have already failed.

In a way, I guess it can be viewed as a success because my on-and-off relationship spanning 11 months has finally ended. I still feel a little bit of longing, maybe in the form of regret or loss. But in the end, I know it's because the security blanket is gone. I now have nothing to fall back on and that's the way love should be anyway. It's not fair to love someone half-heartedly or to love that someone loves you. That's never the way I wanted to love someone.

I didn't see myself with him a year from now or even a month. When we broke things off in summer, I had to move on because he made it clear it was over. I was a wreck for a while but I moved on. I moved on because I realized in those past few months, I was being someone I was not proud of. I wasn't being myself - or how I want to view myself. I moved on because I knew that the person I wanted to be with needed to give me more, needed to bring me up, needed to love me for being myself including all my flaws instead of telling me to treat him differently, needed to know that when I say something as a joke, when I call someone an asshole, it comes from a warm place.

I don't know if anyone can be 100% okay right after a separation - even if it's something that you wanted and knew had to happen. But maybe that's a good thing, so that you know that it meant something. To be realistic about love and life is the best way I know how to keep myself emotionally sane.

I thought I didn't feel any regret. But while I was out to dinner with a friend, my roommate texted asking if she could open my bottle of Grey Goose, which this guy gave me as a gift for my birthday. I read the text, clicked the sleep button on my phone and put it back in my pocket. It stayed in my mind for a few minutes leaving me unable to fully focus on the conversation with my friend. I didn't know the answer. Though I guess not being able to answer is an answer in and of itself. That gift represented a good memory - a time when he was there for me when a lot of others weren't, doing something that I didn't expect of him, that I didn't necessarily deserve. Yes, it's just a bottle of vodka but to me it was more. I'm not yet ready to see it gone.

In 2010, I spent so much time talking about the newest developments every day to a bunch of different friends just to have it change just as fast. Whenever something bad had happened, I had to relive that pain multiple times as I updated everyone. At first, it was therapy and reassurance and after each time I talked about it, it got a little easier.

However, it got to a point where I just hated talking about it. I stopped talking about that part of my life. I didn't want to waste any more time talking about it. But maybe the reason was because I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what would happen and I was tired of talking so much, predicting what might happen, deciphering words and situations just to discover that I had gotten it all wrong. I was tired of building myself up just to get let down.

2011. I'm not sure how this year will go. Part of me wants to be single for a while. Part of me wants things to move forward with someone. But that's life. What you want and what you feel changes daily, maybe even hourly. You never know where this fucked up road will take you. You just know that it will be quite a ride.

(9) Small Talk is Cheap

2010-12-03T17:41:00.001-05:00

Every time we date someone, if it doesn’t work out, we are forced to box it up and shelve it away. With or without answers.

This time without, I put my faith into someone many times, just to get let down 90% of those times. The last chance I gave him was a few days before my birthday, which of course he let me down again. I don’t know why we are so set on seeing what we want to see, what we hope to see, hoping that this time, or the next, will be different, that we’ll be pleasantly surprised even though we’d be surprised for something that should be normal, should be inherent in someone that cares for you. But I guess it’s a hard conclusion to come to that someone you care about doesn’t care about you (enough).

I forced myself to box up what I felt for him and shelve them away. Even though a few weeks later, I drunkenly texted him that I was sad he disappeared. When there’s no resolution, it’s hard to hold strong when the only resolve you can have is in your hands. I’m not the strongest person, probably not even in the top 50 percentile but I still need to keep him shelved away. This week, on two separate mornings, I woke up to an email from him. Small talk. But even small talk makes my heart waver, even if for a bit.

Though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because from the beginning, he had a dealbreaker. He had no time. Or at least in the beginning, I thought his effort would put him through but at some point, he just stopped. So I in turn, have to stop because a text or an email with a sentence or two of small talk every three weeks means nothing.

(8) Refocus, Recharge, Repeat

2010-11-05T00:35:00.000-04:00

I’ve been neglecting my blogging duties. Probably due to the shit storm of emotions I’ve been going through. Not to say that I’ve been depressed or hurt or anything but I have had a lot of things to think about lately with none of them ever being fully fleshed out enough for me to write about.

It becomes so easy to live in NYC and forget to take care of yourself. You work hard, you play hard, but after awhile, you realize you go through the motions exhausted without ever being fully engaged. I wasn’t taking everything in and it was more like I was on autopilot. Every time this happens, I make an effort to refocus and work on myself, exercise, eat better, catch up with friends I haven’t seen in awhile. The outcomes prove successful as I become truly engaged with conversations and my surroundings but none of this really gets to the root of the problem of prevention – why do I get this way and how can I stop the cycle?

It’s a hard question to answer because what gets me to this place, I have to admit, tends to be boys. My romantic life always seems to end up messy when all I want is simplicity. But I’m never able to just cut ties with anyone and I still sometimes reminisce about past guys that I don’t talk to anymore.

I put a lot, don’t get back much and I always find a way, under the guise of optimism, to raise my hopes up just to be let down. Again. When do I think it’s enough for me to walk away? One of my best friends, drunk but honest, was crying. She said she was crying for me. Because I deserve better. That I let these guys walk over me. All I could say was I know. I knew all of this. I would know for a day or two. On a good instance, maybe a week. But in the end, I never could get myself to make better decisions and stick with them.

(7) Dating Someone in the Age of Technology

2010-09-21T23:35:00.001-04:00

There’s something refreshing about dating someone that you know nothing about, that you have no connection to, or maybe in this day and age, it equates to having no mutual facebook friends. You can’t ask your friend what his dating history was like. You don’t stalk him on facebook and check all his pictures and read his feed.

A good friend of mine told me he had access to his boyfriend’s email and social networking website accounts, and I can’t imagine living my life like that – even though I am guilty of the newsfeed browsing. It’s a lose-lose situation because you’re not happy if you find something or not.

Luckily for me and my paranoid tendencies, for the first time, I started liking someone that I couldn’t find out things about, aside from a cursory google search that is. His facebook has been on probation for some reason or another and I was actually happy. I was relieved since I could just let this thing grow with all we know to be all about what we tell each other, showing each other what we hope to be the best parts of ourselves in this moment in our lives.

While I keep certain details from him, I think it’s more about how they might be perceived. I want simplicity, purity but maybe that’s naïve to think that we can have any semblance of a relationship without being the sum of all parts. Is it okay to like someone for who they are now without knowing how and what has brought him to this point? I don’t know. Maybe it’s still too heavy to really know everything right now, while things are still fragile and growing.

I knew this was never a sustainable idea. How can you continue to like someone without your lives intertwining? I want to be able to share my life, my passions, my friends. And I knew that but I think I just wanted to delay it, slow the process because then it would mean I wouldn’t have to get lost in my paranoid tendencies. These are all issues that are my own and of no fault to whoever might strike my fancy. Even if I want constant reassurance of another’s feelings for me, I shouldn’t need that to make myself happy. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to be okay with just knowing that someone cares without a gesture or hearing the words or to be okay that if someone doesn’t want me, it’s not my fault or something I can change or prevent. I don’t know why I feel like I need to compare myself to others and feel inadequate.

For me, I think I look for any reason to run away, which is a bit ironic since I preach giving every endeavor my all, wanting to love someone with everything I have. I think I’m scared of myself. I’m scared because I know how easy it is for me to get hurt and it doesn’t get easier after each fall. When things start becoming more real, you realize you have something to lose, someone you actually care about losing.

I think that’s where I’m at right now.

(6) Be Your Own Rebound

2010-08-19T18:48:00.003-04:00

I’ve been struggling with writing recently so I’ve been putting it off. I’ve been putting it off because I keep hoping for some development or resolution but nothing has become any clearer. We never really get enough answers or information and it’s only enough when we decide that it’s enough. We must make the choice to end it, to walk away. It’s never been easy to be completely honest with how I feel but the reason I started this 500 Days of Love Project was to force myself to be honest, to be an open book, so here is my first true attempt in a while to try.

I’ve been bouncing back and forth between guys mistaking wanting to love someone with not wanting to be alone. I gave and I gave until I reached a point where I was left with nothing but disappointment, drained because they took a lot of from me. They took my hope, my smiles, my fire. And so I feel an inclination to rebound wanting to fill that void in any capacity but it would never be enough. Why must we always find another person to be our rebound, to save us from feeling what we can't seem to face? Why can’t we be our own rebounds? Why can’t we ever be enough for ourselves?

Eve Ensler wrote a piece about sexual slavery, and while I don’t proclaim that my rudimentary love life is at all relative to the atrocities that are referenced in this piece, the line that has always stayed with me is applicable to how you view yourself and others: “No one can take anything from you if you do not give it to them.” We are our own constants and we need to be strong and stand as a pillar for ourselves. Of course we can depend on people and it's just as important to do so but we can’t take it for granted and lose ourselves in the process.

I came out so lost because I had become a person who depended on someone else for happiness, and when that was taken away, I had forgotten how to pick myself up, how to be happy alone. Ideally, I never want to love like that but it’s hard when you’re so in it to realize all the little things, that all the little concessions you make add up.

I never believe that people come into our lives without a reason. It doesn’t mean that they stay but it also doesn’t mean that we don’t learn or gain something from it. Ironically, it took things going wrong for me to start feeling more like myself. I’m now at a point where I am happy that I am who I am, that I haven’t changed how I love. I choose to give people many chances, I choose to see the best in people, and sure that can open me up to pain and disappointment but I never want to be the person that isn’t open to love. I’m open to it because then I know that if things go wrong, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn't because I put a limit on love. I have never wanted to live my life regretting anything and one thing I would regret is putting any less effort than I have thus far.

(5) Simple Pleasures

2010-07-31T14:05:00.002-04:00

- Naps
- India.Arie – Strength, Courage, & Wisdom
- Sitting in a Train Filled with Strangers
- McFlurry
- Dim Sum
- Caesars
- Scallops Wrapped in Bacon
- A Cute Text
- Lying on the Beach
- When Hipsters and Hipster Lites Fall Helplessly into Stereotypes
- Productivity
- Tomato Soup and Mac & Cheese at Burgoo
- Quality Time with My Puppy
- Remembering How to Cry from Laughing
- Singing While I Drive
- Finally Getting my Groove Back

(4) Recovery

2010-07-22T09:58:00.002-04:00

It’s a frustrating feeling living as a fraction of who you know you are. My strength, my essence has been sapped from me. I was pushing forward so fast, dragging my feet, not realizing all the scrapes and bruises I’ve accrued along the way. I’ve been so drained dealing with all the back and forths of a romantic prospect gone sour and the trials of turning that into a friendship.

I naturally hate conflict and let things roll off my back easily, which can be troubling when I’ve dated guys who were selfish and didn’t care to realize that the way they handled fights or situations hurt me. I, being the person that I am, would just want the problem to be over and take on the blame or make excuses for them. Even after the feelings had passed, I would still be left extremely exhausted, leading me to be on edge and more volatile, which isn’t a state that I like myself in.

I mean, it’s great to know that I can badmouth homophobic losers at a Lady Gaga concert when they give me shit but it’s not the person I want to be. Having anger within me just feels like this virus that’s eating away at everything that makes me who I am and I hate it. I realized I don’t even love myself right now. I can’t remember the last time I cried from laughing, which I normally do multiple times a day. The moments I’d be silent with friends that I thought were just me not wanting to expend energy to sweat more was just another lie I’ve told myself. I didn’t realize that I have put this limit to how much happiness I can feel and that scares me.

I really need to step back and recharge, have an emotional cleanse. I need to somehow fill myself with all the nourishing things that make me happy. This trip back to Vancouver and the bay (which I consider to be two of my homes) couldn’t have come at a better time. Not only will I get to take a break from the terrible heat and humidity NYC is having lately but I’ll be with friends and family who will let me just be for they have known me at my worst, remember me at my best and won’t fault me for being anywhere in between.

(3) Linear Love Life

2010-07-21T18:34:00.001-04:00

If I look back on the history of my dating life, I have never been interested in more than one guy at a time. I’ve definitely lined up a few dates but I’d never feel like I could move forward with more than one. It makes me wonder whether I’m just not capable of it or the fact that me finding more than one person that I feel a connection with at any given time is too rare a scenario.

Just the same, I have never looked back and still had feelings for anyone I did in the past. Once those feelings were gone and I had moved on, they were all mostly vague memories in my mind. There were times I’d reminisce because it was nice to remember how I was at these times – young, innocent, still full of hope. Though not to say that I don’t still retain these qualities but I think after each endeavor, I lose more of my ability to simply love someone. I have more doubts, more history of cases where things can go wrong, and it just becomes easier to relate these bits and apply them to the next situation.

As a coping mechanism, I always think in the days after a breakup, “maybe in the future, maybe the timing isn’t right,” but I never want to go back to it because I’m not the same person anymore because I realize quickly that I don’t want the same things anymore. I think that’s why I like to look back on my personalized Game of Life board to see the path I’ve taken to where I am today, just to stay grounded in what I want from love and life and who I want myself to be.

I remember in one of my emo moments, I asked my very wise friend if it was bad to still have hope.

She replied, “I don’t think you’d be you if you didn’t.”

(2) Currently Unavailable

2010-07-20T18:32:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I always end up liking the unavailable guys. I don’t mean unavailable as in they are in a relationship but more for reasons of timing, that in terms of priority, I’m low on the list.

One was newly out, one was still dealing with a recent breakup, another was a med student – but in the end, I came to realize that timing wasn’t necessarily the issue here but more a lack of interest. It’s no one’s fault but mine that I ended up liking these unavailable men but through them all, I’ve realized this one fact to be true: you find a way to make it work if you want to.

And I think inversely, that’s what I’m struggling with now – that I have this guy who wants to make time for me but I’m scared of it. I’ve started talking to this guy who is ridiculously busy, out of town on average five days a week with the time he is in town filled with social or work engagements. The one time slot that we had together ended up falling apart because his friend passed out and he had to accompany her to the ER. Of course that’s a valid reason but I wonder if this is just how it will always be or if things will settle down eventually, as now it feels – or just is – essentially like a long distance relationship.

However, these are all issues that are way down the line that will only be addressed if we get to a certain point. The problem I’m having now is actually because we still haven’t met. It’s weird to say that I’ve become interested in someone I haven’t even met yet but it’s happened. In this weird world of Generation-Y impersonal socialization, I’ve found warmth and whimsy, which is even hard to find in person. But yes, we talk everyday, the picture messages we send each other make us not seem so far, and our conversations feel natural.

The only things holding me back are the lack of tangible realities – the in-person meeting, the understanding of what we both want or what this is because none of these have been established yet. But I think the mutual effort, the maintained interest in getting to know each other and learning more – these are all things that feel organic and aren’t limited to the boundaries of tangible realities.

I think I just need to stop over thinking everything and just let things be. Yeah.

(1) Made in Manhattan

2010-07-17T18:53:00.005-04:00

This week, I relinquished my California driver's license and residency to become a resident of New York. The irony is that I did this so that I could drive when I'm back home (so my mom doesn't have to put me on the car insurance every time I'm visiting home).

It's an odd feeling even though I don't feel the direct impact right now aside from a $60.75 charge on my credit card, which even then I can put off until next month when I have to make my payment.

This past year in New York, I haven't regretted a single moment. I learned so much about myself, expanded what I believed I was capable of, and grew a backbone. I've gone through so many ups and downs in the love department, which has really diminished my emotional strength as of late. But if I take that factor out of the equation, I have nothing to complain about. Everything else in my life is great (even if sometimes that one factor makes it hard to appreciate everything else in my life).

I worked really hard to make a life for myself here, which I guess has culminated in me switching to New York residency. If I look it at that way, I'm happy with this decision.

Everything's about perspective.

Carl in Chelsea

2010-05-10T18:20:00.006-04:00

I'm finally doing it. I'm finally moving out and going to have a place of my own, a ROOM of my own! I will be living in an area I love with a roommate I love. I am going to paint my walls. I am going to IKEA. I am going to have a non-Twin size bed for once! I am finally growing up.

This will officially me my first non-college place and I am going to make it look amazing, be comfortable and inviting. I can't wait to host my first housewarming either.

It's a weird feeling to be financially independent for once in my life (except for a cell phone bill) but it's actually quite liberating. It's like I finally figured out how to fly all by myself and am leaving that nest behind. It's just a big change from feeling like I never lived up to my parents' expectations or was on the same level as my peers but I feel very happy that I was able to get and excel at every job opportunity on my own. Since my parents have provided for me my entire life paying for the roof over my head, my tuition, and the food that sustains me, I wanted to be able to say that I could do something on my own. It might have taken me awhile longer than others but I did it. Somehow, I did it. I've realized to not compare myself to others as much, to move at my own pace, and be happy with the things I've accomplished.

Funny how it feels like my life is just beginning.

How to Know Who the Right One Is

2010-03-27T20:23:00.004-04:00

My father was the first guy my mother ever dated (I think). I can't even remember how many dates I've been on anymore. I wouldn't say I'm jaded but just the idea of getting it right on the first try is baffling.

When I hear stories about my parents dating, I honestly don't know why my mother chose my father (though I am very happy she did so my brother and I could enjoy the lives we are living right now). When they were dating, he knew how much savings my mother had and asked to borrow that much to buy a car and would call her collect while he was overseas studying and ask her to call his mother so he wouldn't have to pay. How did my mother know to see through then what I would think are deal breakers now? Was it faith? Love? Mutual respect..?

She had once equated it to choosing the guy who doesn't try so hard to woo you or buy you gifts because those things won't last. I wonder what my equivalent of that would be.

Riding in Trains with Boys

2010-03-18T18:51:00.002-04:00

We met on a Wednesday night after work and I thought we were just getting on the 6 and heading home but he suggested that we grab a drink. I didn't refuse because more time with him is always what I want. The conversation was stiff. Both of us were avoiding the big white elephant in the room. He noticed I had gotten quieter and asked me why to which I replied, "I don't know what to say." Finally addressing it, he said he wanted to say sorry in person, that he didn't mean for things to turn out the way they did explaining the situation with his ex lightly. I sat there numb not knowing what to feel. He said that if I wanted to be friends, the ball was in my court, and if not, he understood. Not knowing how to respond, I excused myself to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and regather myself.

We left for the train and I didn't want to look away from him because I worried that this would be the last time I would see his face, and that I would forget what it looks like: the long curve of his double eyelid, the wrinkles forming on his forehead, the slight bump on his upper lip. We sat waiting for the train to arrive when I had a moment of clarity, and so I told him, "I'll be okay." I asked him if I could have one last kiss, believing somehow that that would give me some sense of closure to my feelings for him that I could then shelve and put away.

He asked why it had to be the last kiss. I'm thinking/hoping that he was referring to the future being unknown and not that I would just be the guy on the side. I shrugged it off. The 6 finally arrived and we got on a relatively full car. We sat next to each other and he put his arm around me rubbing my shoulder and back as we chatted about something or nothing as we got lost in each others eyes. I rubbed his leg with my hand and flipped it over facing up and he went to hold it without any hesitation as if it were something we had done for years. I told him that my stop was next, to which he replied, "I'll see you next week." We had made no plans but yet this was so sure, that he wants to see me, that I am a priority. The train was about to stop and I asked if I was still getting that kiss. He smiled and nodded. The door opened, we kissed, and I walked out without looking back -- that is, until I got on the stairs just to realize he was sitting in an area that I couldn't see from there. Almost too befitting of the reality that I re-entered when I left those sliding door and called myself stupid because I am now "the other guy."

The kiss was not closure, the kiss was unquenchable desire. He makes it so easy for me to get sucked into his gravitational pull and all it takes is his smirk to make me forget all reason. I don't know if he's the one, but he's someone.. someone I don't want to lose from my life.

But now, what happens when should, want, and need are three very different things?

SHOULD: Tell him the truth: that I like him. A lot. And I don't know if I can see him and never want more. That it might be best for me to walk away as much as I don't want to. I don't want to be the other guy and it's not fair to all involved.

WANT: I want him to be with me. And part of me doesn't care in what capacity. I've realized my concept of black and white has become increasingly grayer as I grow older. But reason says that if I want him, I want him to want only me and I don't want a person who can be with more than one person at a time.

NEED: I need to put myself first but there was a point when he became part of my happiness and sanity. And now that the circumstances have changed, maybe I can't have him be a factor in my life, at least for now, if things don't change.

Should, want, need.. do we ever do the right thing? But what is right anyway..?

Awesome Carl

2010-03-14T21:46:00.005-04:00

In everyday life, I believe myself to be pretty good company: no drama, fun, attentive, and charming but I (and I'm sure all my close friends) have noticed that the proportion of these adjectives becomes out of balance when I have liked someone in the past with the addition of high levels of paranoia and impatience.

I have been actively working on changing that ever since I became aware of it because it is such a terrible situation for all involved. I hated the person I would become because it just wasn't me, it wasn't the awesome Carl that I was normally and if I were someone else, I would want to date the Awesome Carl, not the Crazy Paranoid Carl. I apologize to all my friends for all the complaining I have done, which as obligated as you are to sit and bear it, you definitely shouldn't have to. From this point on, you have my permission to slap me and tell me to man up and then buy me Pinkberry to forgive you for that slap.

I have recently started dating again and it's a nice feeling. We get along really well. I have never met or dated someone who has such a similar mentality and take on life so it's extremely refreshing. I think the mutual understanding makes it easier to trust him and be more at ease in the awkward process that is dating. This time around, I haven't been crazy or moping around depressed as I have been when I had been dating other guys I liked and I wondered whether it was because I don't like this new guy as much or because I've finally evolved. I'd like to believe that it's the latter coupled with the fact that in hindsight, the guys in the past had given me reason to be suspect and just weren't in the same part of life that I was at.

After the past few failed attempts at dating, I wanted to better myself before I started seriously dating or have a relationship and I think I'm there now. Not to say that I'm at that point with the new guy but more than any other time in my life, I have a life that is able to foster a relationship rather than hinder it. I have a job that I love, I live in a city that I continue to find new things that make me smile and leave me breathless, and I have amazing friends and family that love me unconditionally and keep me grounded and remind me that being a bitch is never a bad thing if the situation warrants it.

Though while I have gotten a lot better, I still get some moments of vulnerability. I had just gotten back from a dinner party last night and was lying in bed thinking about this guy and missing him, a little sad from it. I got a text from a girlfriend telling me to meet her in the Lower East Side. I was hesitant cause it was ridiculously stormy that day and a lot of the subways weren't running because they were flooded but she texted back, "Shut the fuck up!! Come!" I laughed and did just that making that conscious decision to do what Awesome Carl would do.

My girlfriend was there with one of her guy friends. He's quite a character and we had some time to chat while she went to the bathroom. He had asked me whether I had many friends in the city, and I replied not too many. He shrugged it off saying that wasn't a problem telling me that he would be the dot to connect me to other dots.

It's moments like these that make me love New York City.

[A few minutes after originally posting this, the new guy texted saying he had gotten back together with his ex the night before. The irony is baffling. But I'm not mad; he's been honest always. A little sad. More tired. Feeling a little stupid. But still gotta be Awesome Carl, though it might take a bit of time to get back there.]

Tough Love

2010-02-11T02:06:00.003-05:00

A friend has been going through an on and off relationship. I've been trying to take the tough love approach because giving her any sense of comfort would be an injustice to her. This guy is clearly playing games and she needs to find strength in the words of the Backstreet Boys' first single and make the decision to step away.

Definitely, dishing out advice is way easier than it is than to wholeheartedly follow it. I write some of these posts so that even I can go back to re-read them just so I can have a schizophrenic therapy session with my rational self. I think the hardest part about hearing about her difficulty in moving on makes me worry that I'll sink back into the same unfounded justifications, the waiting in hopes that there will still be some magical Hollywood rom com finale where the leading male realizes all his mistakes and professes every emotion he couldn't express until that moment.

I see the old me in her when I was in the worst emotional state of my life after my first breakup having to piece together every part of my life just so I could stand on my own two feet again. I needed to depend on people's company because I couldn't bear being alone with my own thoughts. But that's the amazing thing about having friends and family, that strong support system of unconditional love that is there whenever you need it without question.

So now I pay it forward hoping that this friend will not have to take as long as I did or go to the lows that I have seen. I may get frustrated seeing her lack of progress but I don't fault her for it because we all have different coping times. Part of the reason I am tough on her is because in ways, I am being tough on myself. I am giving her advice but it is more that I am telling myself to just stop, stop all droops into negativity and move on with my life. I think I've learned well enough from my first heartbreak to be able to get myself in a functional mobile state faster and to never forget to love myself first always, love myself so as not to let myself be intoxicated with feelings that serve no other purpose but to give me pain in situations that I no longer have control over -- especially after realizing that the only thing that we have any control over is ourselves.

Relinquish desire. Thanks Bodhisattva.

This is My Year

2010-01-25T01:05:00.003-05:00

People have been saying that 2010 is definitely my year, and I'm definitely one of those people. Ever since my last post, this train I've been on has been non-stop.

I had an amazing Christmas with family in Vancouver. I was a little stressed because I was having to deal with job negotiations with a roaming cell phone and no consistent access to laptop or internet. After a few stressful days, everything worked out and I was able to completely relax. The morning after Christmas, I boarded my first of three flights to get to Brazil for my friend's wedding. My head was filled with horror stories about petty theft and the importance of being careful. Remembering my time in Spain, I was prepared to do just that.

But once I arrived in Brazil.. I was just captivated by its beauty, warmed by the hospitality of every person I had met, and overcome with a feeling of relaxation that this place of escape presented to me. I have never been to a place where I have felt so completely relaxed. It was in essence, the great escape. Friends had said that we had gotten a lot of looks and people were talking about us but I noticed none of that -- or maybe I should say that I did not care.

I think that shows the growth I've had since my trip to Spain three and a half years ago, or even the growth I've had since moving to New York; I've grown into a person who truly cares not about others' judgment. I am honest with myself and honest with what I want and what I do, have no regrets and make no apologies.

I used to get so caught up in appearances and propriety, and while I feel there are definitely places that warrant restraint, in the majority of my daily life, I just don't care. Sometime in the past few months, I have been liberated, become a more uninhibited man. Maybe if I had to trace the root of it, it came around my last romantic prospect. He had voiced what he wanted when he wanted to stop dating and after I had gotten over it, I had more easily gotten used to not caring -- in the sense that if something doesn't work out, I can move on because he's just not the one.

During that time, I've also realized what I want out of life or any sort of relationship. While that list constantly changes, the essentials stay the same; I want to remain honest in every encounter I have. I've barely looked back on this new uninhibited lifestyle as it almost feels like that this was a decision not of my own volition and at times, that worries me, that this release of my shackles will get me in trouble one day. But if it does, it does.

Good Exhaustion

2009-12-15T00:55:00.002-05:00

It's been a really exhausting past few weeks. Friends ask if it's good exhausting or bad exhausting; honestly, I never think any exhaustion is really good. I don't mean to infer that I'm a lazy person but rather that I really enjoy stability. Maybe in a past life, I was a Taoist or Buddhist.

Past lives aside, I think more and more, I'm the kind of person that wants to live a happy, stress-free, yet productive life. I know I preach about me not wanting to be too comfortable in life, which is a big reason why I picked up and moved to NYC, which in turn can also be said to have caused a lot of stress for me.

But to combat all the arguments of my hypocrisy, I realize now the main reason why I wasn't completely happy at home. I definitely believe in and avidly seek stability but being at home did not afford me the kind of stability I wanted: the one where I could be stable and support myself. I've never felt easy depending on my parents and I'm still waiting on the day that I can pay them back.

It's bad when you go through appendicitis and think about how you're going to pay them back more than your own well-being. I remember when I was showing symptoms, I delayed seeing a doctor because I didn't want to be even more indebted to my parents.

Sigh. One day. I will buy my parents big lavish gifts to show them my thanks. One day. But life is good right now. Good exhaustion. It's good because I'm working towards a lot of things I've wanted to accomplish in my life, and some of these things might come into fruition soon enough.

Let's Get Down to Business

2009-12-01T01:53:00.005-05:00

I've been going on a lot of 'dates' lately but maybe I should call them first meetings. They went well, very nice guys but again, lacking in chemistry. But this isn't to say that it was wasted time because they bring about the potential for a budding friendship, not to mention getting to explore new places in the city I otherwise wouldn't have known about.

Dating right after a separation is said to help the moving on process but every time I'm on a date with someone that I don't have chemistry with, it just makes me think of the last person that did. It's a draining process. It's tough to admit weakness, that I still think about the last guy from time to time. I miss him. Even though every fiber of my body is trying to push those feelings away into a box and kick it to the curb, I still have moments where I miss him.

I've decided to cut back on the actively looking for someone to date plan and go back to what has always been more successful - the organic approach. Everyone I've been interested in, I've usually met in situations of unexpected serendipaciousness.

I'm going to go back to focusing on other things in my life and let love be a byproduct, just like Mulan. I may not have an entire country to save but I still do have parents that I want to make proud.

P.S. Yay Christmas! Now I can officially add Christmas songs to my playlist.

Now That's a Dealbreaker, Ladies

2009-11-04T10:09:00.002-05:00

I'm not used to this 'being interested in someone' thing. I think for me, because it's so few and far between and if it doesn't work out, it feels like this big missed opportunity that has just passed me by. I can't help but wonder about the 'what if's and how that 'we' in that path would have looked.

Either way, the whole process of liking someone is so foreign to me because I am so quick to judge. As I've said, it only takes me a few seconds to know if I feel a connection and then I go from there to see if it turns into something more. But in that process, I always look for the dealbreakers, the reasons why things wouldn't work out. Most of the time, the more obvious ones on the surface, I notice quickly, and they put me off very fast (e.g. hygiene, loss of things to talk about, unmotivated) but then it's becoming clearer to me that the bigger ones are the ones I notice, but for some reason, never register. These are the ones that always get me in trouble.

I dated this guy, that in the midst of our many phone conversations of which he initiated, had mentioned that 1. he didn't know if he wanted a relationship and had turned several people down, and 2. he had only recently come out. Being a new gay can mean a lot of things and in some cases, just means they want to play the field and explore this gay land without being tied down. Everyone's entitled to it, I didn't. That thing is definitely fine for friendship but not the best for dating or a relationship. When he said these things, we hadn't gone on anything resembling a date and it was more of a getting to know him thing; at this point, he could still fall in any of the friendship, dating, sex ladders. Little did I know that both those things would be the reasons he broke things off. I committed the biggest no-no in thinking that I would be the exception, that things would be different with me.

Another guy is a med student. I met him at a time when he actually had some time, and I think that was a bad twist of fate since I - or we - got deluded into believing that there would always be some time to spare. We went two weeks without talking more than a text here or there and I wasn't sure if another reason existed beyond him being really busy. During that time, I had to wonder if I could even handle being in a relationship where that was the norm, and I couldn't make a decision. But I didn't have to anyway since my instincts were correct again. I was fine and understood but I don't think I'll ever get used to the finality of it all, the entering each others' lives but now there's just no room for you here part. The way people come in and out of your life as if they're just a guest star in your so-called life, I don't think you ever really get used to that - at least right after it happens.

My friend, as a way of consoling me, told me I "shouldn't get attached until I know it's for the long run." I wouldn't say I get attached so much as I see potential. If I see that potential, I want to give it a chance to grow. But I guess I've been seeing potential with guys at all the wrong times. I need to remember that just because a seed can grow doesn't mean that you're able to give it the water, sunlight, and TLC that it needs. In the long absences between interests, I still wonder about these "missed opportunities" but maybe that's a dangerous thing to do because who's to say that their excuses about timing weren't just cliches that were meant to cover up the fact that they were just not that into me.

Do I really need to change the way I view people and chemistry? Another friend who does the same thing says maybe in that initial filter, we're letting in the bad ones and blocking out the gems. I wondered about it but still think that chemistry isn't something that can suddenly manifest. Oh Attraction, what a fickle thing you are.

Maybe the biggest thing to take from this shouldn't be focused on how you aren't good enough or that you couldn't fit into their lives, but more about how you should always view yourself; you should view yourself as someone that is deserving of time, effort, and love, and if a guy cannot appreciate you the way you deserve, now that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

Everyone Deserves A First Chance

2009-10-24T12:48:00.002-04:00

Everyone Deserves A First Chance

I remember my dad told me when I was relatively young that his policy is to trust everyone, to give everyone that chance but if they do something to make you lose that, then they’re cut. Obviously it’s a bit simplified since I was a young teen then but I still live by that now adjusting it to give people second chances if the situation called for it. I do that with friends and I feel the same applies to love. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been interested in a guy. I think because it happens so rarely, I feel I should give each prospect a fair chance and so I make that conscious decision to open the door to vulnerability. I want to give every chance my all as to not limit what that pairing could potentially be.

The last post I wrote was about feeling lonely, and that was the weekend before I flew back to NYC. It’s been over a month since I’ve been back and after getting over the initial funk of immobility and laziness the appendicitis put me through, I feel much better. The job search is still chugging along trying to find something stable but I’m doing some freelance work on the side in the meantime. In other news, I started dating again; it’s weird how you can be in a drought for months and in two weeks, have prospects start lining up.

The first guy I went on a date with was a nice guy. On paper, it sounded good; we have a lot of things in common: same obscure taste in movies, foodie mentality – but there was just absolutely no tension or chemistry. I could have been on autopilot and it wouldn’t have made a difference, which really makes me believe in this notion of chemistry. In my history of attraction, it only takes me 30 seconds to place people in ladders (friends, dating, sex), and I can tell in one date usually if it has the potential to go anywhere. It’s funny thinking about the ladders since each person has his/her own respective way on organizing them and which ones can overlap. For me, dating implies sex but being doable doesn’t mean they’re dateable. Guys that only fall in the friends ladder have never moved to the other two ladders. I’ve never developed feelings for someone if I never had the initial attraction to begin with.

The second guy I went on a date with I didn’t even expect to meet. A last minute mixer invitation Dandan got the night before took us there as a first stop to our Friday night of bar hopping and the stars aligned pretty amazingly to even get us to the point of the night where we would consider getting each others’ numbers. We went out a week later and it was a great first date, probably the best first date I’ve ever had. The restaurant was quaint and intimate, the food was delicious, and the company was heartwarming. No joke, I must have looked a fool smiling as much as I did but I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the dim lighting but this guy had me at “Uh. Hmm. I’m fine with anything.”

Since then, there was a moment when I felt like things were becoming too real. I shut off from feeling things because it brought me back to a point last year when I was having feelings after only knowing someone two weeks, that is, until he decided to back out apologizing if “I” felt he was leading me on. Honestly, if you call me every day when you get off work and want to talk every night before you sleep, there is no “if you felt,” it’s simply, you did. Own up to it. I was scared that this was déjà vu and I really didn’t want to have the same thing happen again but I still hear my dad’s words ring in my head and I want to give every person that chance so he deserves it too. Things are still really new so I’m more about taking it slow and really enjoying the time we actually get to spend together.

My Heart is So Messy

2009-09-20T21:09:00.000-04:00

My Heart is So Messy

Doesn't translate well, but that's a direct translation of a Cantonese phrase (我心好亂) for how I feel right now. My heart is so scattered right now and I can't really control the irrational feelings that are taking over me right now nor can I make any real sense of them.

I think it's more about having been single and crush-free for nine months and having the inkling of one happen now has made me feel like I'm missing something, which of course the rational part of me is telling me to stop being such a woman. Though still I guess it's not too bad; breaking down for feeling lonely for the first time in nine months isn't such a bad track record.

Either way, I'm appendix-free and 2 days from being back in NYC. Gotta try to make the best out of the last few months of 2009 and being 23 so that this year is not known solely as the year the appendix happened.

500 Days of Summer Movies

2009-07-30T02:23:00.001-04:00

500 Days of Summer Movies

This has really been the summer for movies for me. I can't remember the last time I actually went to the theater to watch this many films in one summer as I have this year. This habit is actually quite bad considering ticket prices have increased substantially and in New York, $12-18 happens to be the range and I've seen probably five films thus far: the hits (500 Days of Summer, Paper Heart, Up) and the misses (Transformers 2, Harry Potter 6). With the exception of Up, it was truly the indie films that have taken my heart this summer.

I've known about 500 Days of Summer for quite a while now. I discovered it like I discover most of my films: IMDB hopping. This is how I discovered Brokeback Mountain and Juno very early and had a feeling they were going to be big; I predicted the same to happen with 500 Days of Summer so time has yet to tell. But really, what a movie. The narration and tag line say it all, "This is not a love story. This is a story about love."

It's not a typical rom com but it definitely has elements of the genre. The more I think about this film, the more I fall in love with it. There was this beautiful scene of the main characters chatting on the Amtrak with the sunset glow shining through the windows; totally reminiscent of Before Sunrise and evoked my own nostalgic memories of being on that same train.

I got buckled into this bumpy emotional roller coaster of a ride and was so captivated by both its effortless beauty and brutal honesty. I read some reviews on how the film is a little too two-dimensional because Summer's character (played by Zooey Deschanel) isn't fleshed out enough or that her and Tom (played by Joseph Gorden-Levitt) had trouble finding chemistry but having watched the film, I saw those two 'problems' more as the movie's and actors' strengths depicting the authenticity of life and relationships. I mean, how often in life do we ever know the exact point of view of our exes? We want to know why they want to break up or fell for another right after or during said relationship, and we want all the answers but will never be satisfied with any of them. In the movie, Tom happens upon Summer post-breakup and asks those same questions and I sat with my arms tensely across my chest bracing for the train wreck of brutal words that were about to depart from her lips, and ouch did they hurt.

As for chemistry, they fell in and out of it because Tom is completely enamored and can't see any sign of problems. Even in the times we do see them happy still show her being superficially detached, which he chooses not to see. We zip back and forth through his memories of her and all the ones he chooses to remember, say, and show us are the good ones. As was said in the movie by his little (but might as well have been older) sister, it was suggested he just never focused on the bad ones and they were plentifully present.

At times, the movie felt utterly depressing because it was so easy to relate and see yourself in Tom being self-destructive when his life has derailed and he's unable to get himself back on track. But what I liked more about this film was knowing that having gone through similar situations, I have also come back stronger and way better off than before. Sometimes, like Tom, I still reminisce and see the good parts about the guys I've dated; it's not that I neglect or don't see the bad parts but more that I have come to terms with them so there's no need to dig them up again. I don't know, I think I'll always be the kinda guy that chooses to see the good.

Carl's Anatomy

2009-07-24T10:58:00.001-04:00

Carl's Anatomy

I can now completely understand why people who need to stay hospitalized would rather accept death by leaving the hospital to be outside or at home because even in those three short days I was there, I knew that being in that hospital with Truman Show-esque windows and ceilings, despite the overly compassionate nurses, wasn't living at all.

Of course it's much different in my case and in Mr. Murphy's, admitted for a motorcycle accident, whom I shared a room with. He wasn't in risk of dying and although he had already undergone seven surgeries with eight more to go and four or five more months in the hospital and a lot of physical therapy left to undergo, he appeared so unphased and still had hope. He is a pretty amazing person to be so unshaken by what has happened to him and remain both optimistic and courageous. Even in the face of amputation, he still had hope that his legs would walk again one day though it seemed like if it didn't, he would still be okay. It was tough hearing him in so much pain and seeing his family and friends be very shaken by seeing him in this condition for the first time; it brought back memories that I don't like going to - seeing my uncle in the hospice and the effects of cancer. The difference again is that Mr. Murphy would be out of the hospital one day and still have a life ahead of him.

I definitely didn't feel qualified to complain when I was surrounded by so many others who seemed like they were in much worse off situations than I was. I mean, here I am with appendicitis, one of the most routine surgeries and quickest recoveries; but yes, I did have a perforated appendix, which could have been life threatening if left alone.

The hardest part about the whole thing was just having this happen so far away from home and away from family. I had moments where I just wanted to have my family there and I know it was hard for them to not be able to get to NY quickly or conveniently. While I was still in the ER the first day/night, I saw this girl with pneumonia surrounded by her family and friends and it felt so hard having no one and the inability to reach anyone with no service and dead phones. My mind went to a place of abandonment, which was very irrational but I guess given the desire to not go through all that alone made me go there quite quickly. The following days, I got back into my right mind and I had friends here visit and it made me feel very, very happy to have a break from the IVs, shots, and tests.

NYC Restaurant Week has Begun!

2009-07-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

NYC Restaurant Week has Begun!

So today was a Coke-sponsored event to kick off NYC Restaurant Week held at the mini-mall within Columbus Circle. I've learned from previous NYC foodie events that arriving early is a must especially with an event that's only two hours long and during everyone's lunch hour.

I arrived about 15 minutes early and things were pretty much all set up and the crowd was still minimal. The main food area opened up a few minutes early and I quickly hustled to get my food tickets and get in line for those that I figured would have longer queues.

First on the menu: DB Bistro Moderne's Grilled Ahi Tuna and Moroccan Couscous

Verdict: Tuna overcooked, lamb not bad, but overall underseasoned. There were sauces on the plates that I couldn't tell what they were.

Underseasoned was a theme that carried through most of the other restaurants' offerings.

Porter House New York offered a shrimp salad and a strawberry arboreal rice pudding with some golden raisins. Shrimp salad was underseasoned and the rice pudding dish's textures were overall too mushy with raisins, the overcooked rice, and the strawberry whip cream on top.

Bice offered several ravioli options (mushrooms, vegetables, meat) that weren't bad but I don't come to expect much either way from a ravioli.

Spice Market was the one booth that definitely delivered on its name with sliced pieces of raw tuna in a coconut and kaffir lime broth. The broth, while flavorful, overpowered the tuna leaving me no room to taste any bit of its fresh flavor.

Tribeca Grill had a beautiful array of mini desserts to choose from. I only tried a lemon tart and it was good but ever slightly too sweet.

Though in the end, I shan't complain that much because it was all free and everyone was so nice and the event ran so smoothly and was very well put together. Several nice additions were Kelly Choi (Top Chef Masters host) as a co-host and the current Broadway cast of Hair performing a few numbers. It's got me hyped up for NYC Restaurant Week. I've already made one reservation with another one or two on the way. Now I just need a job to pay for my expensive culinary tastes. Sigh.

For One Night, Edward Cullen was my BF

2009-06-28T20:10:00.000-04:00

For One Night, Edward Cullen was my BF

I had a dream a few nights ago that Rob Patts as Edward Cullen was my boyfriend. We were lying down on this mattress on the floor -- him with his hands behind his head, me filling in the nook on his right side with my head on his bicep smelling the slightly sweaty musk from him that was his scent on the hot day. I had my right hand lightly on his chest slowly grazing his white wifebeater as we engaged some senseless banter. It felt nice to be so close to him, intimately, so alone in a world where only we two belonged.

That solitary world shattered as a bird flew in and started flying really close to us. I finally pried my eyes away from his soft silky complexion and drooping half-closed eyes with my eyes fixated on the bird's flight path to see that we were in this large empty room with high ceilings with windows near the ceiling resembling a small church. Him, noticing my startled disposition got up quickly to try to shoo the bird out the window. He even went to the extent of trying to glamour (a la True Blood) the damn bird, which was a bit difficult but the bird started to stumble in its flight and eventually pushed itself out the window.

He returned back to my side to usher me back into that nook I had claimed as my own for a few seconds of blissful solace until the alarm woke me up.

The sad part isn't the fact I had the dream but that I actually was sad that I woke up.

I think I need to go on a date. FML.

New York Advertising

2009-06-01T23:21:00.000-04:00

New York Advertising.. Just Works

There's something about all the posters around in New York that work on me whether it be on billboards, bus stops, or "No Bill"-labeled construction zones. I guess there's something to say about finally checking it out after the 100th time of seeing a poster about that certain project.

Glee (TV) - reminded me to watch.

Drag Me To Hell (film) - looked up on IMDB.

Hangover (film) - watched the trailer, looks retarded.

Up (film) - wasn't interested at first but looked up IMDB rating and reviews and going to watch tomorrow.

Nurse Jackie (TV) - currently watching the first episode online.

A Clear Separation of Days

2009-05-04T01:41:00.000-04:00

A Clear Separation of Days

I'm about a week into my new life in New York and I'm happy. I'm so happy I'm actually doing things. A big part of the reason I wanted to move was because the days were blurring. Every Monday I went into work, my coworker would ask how my weekend was, and I'd respond, "Eh, you know. You?" Her: "Didn't do much but it was good."

While I do love those relaxing weekends, even when I did do a lot of things, it was just a bunch of the same ol' and nothing really new. My cousin just asked me how my weekend was and I was like, "It was great! Went to see cherry blossoms in Brooklyn and the museum, did a lot of eating at famous taco truck vendors with freshly made tortillas and then had the best ramen ever."

I started Bikram Yoga again, and next is hip hop dance and getting back into swimming.

On a side note:
Everyone's so beautiful in New York. I have so much competition! Wish me luck.

New York State of Mind

2009-04-30T12:58:00.000-04:00

New York State of Mind

So, I've arrived in New York safely and it didn't really hit me. It didn't hit me when I landed in JFK, not on the E Westbound, and not even after unpacking all I could; it took a farmer's market to do it.

I guess it's the idea of something local. I wonder how long it will take though for me to include myself into this 'local' mindset. I think it'll take certain things happening first since I need to 1. secure a stable income, and 2. have a somewhat permanent place to hang my hat. After I can stop the nomadic couch-surfing lifestyle (as nice as the living situations are), I can focus on myself.

I watched The Ramen Girl, a (Tampopo - Sitophila) + (Lost in Translation + Hollywood) kinda film, last night with Dandan. The movie was ridiculously cute and genuinely authentic in its interactions and dialogue. There was a lot of talk about how the heart and soul add flavor into cooking and I wondered if it really changes much if technically, nothing changes if you cook with or without much 'heart.' We concluded more that it was due to the company you're with and the decor that affect your enjoyment or capacity to enjoy the food.

Food has just always tasted so good here for me. I've always thought it was just because all food in NYC is great but maybe it really is the setting, the essence of this city. New York is that je ne sais quoi spice in my life.

Online Cupid

2009-04-15T18:30:00.001-04:00

Online Cupid

So I signed up for OkCupid, the random online survey/tests-turned-dating site, since Dandan had mentioned it being pretty big in New York. I wanted to get a head start on meeting people there and hopefully finding some good friends so I don't exhaust my current four options so much that they'll come to hate me.

I got an email last night notifying me that someone has messaged me and in it, he has listed several reasons why I should reply. Already, I had a bad feeling because normally, people shouldn't have to go out of their way to convince you to reply even if it is due to skepticism from online anonymity. I pushed that aside for the moment and read on:

1) I am a hopeless romantic. (Eh, it's a cliche that many people claim to be including me)
2) The Little Mermaid is my favorite movie. (Not bad)
3) I have blue eyes. (Oh, so you're white?)
4) I have thick glasses. (Bad eyesight?)
5) I saw vienna teng at a show last weekend. (Well done!)

So having read the reasons and giving my mental commentary, I thought he was right; those were valid reasons why I would respond. I continue and click on his obscured profile picture finding clearer ones, and with them I found just as many reasons, if not more, why I wouldn't respond to him. I'm a terrible human being.

His profile also says under "I spend a lot of time thinking about..": "if OkCupid says someone responds often, but doesn't respond to me, does that make me a mega ultra huge loser?" Not loser, just.. not easy on the eyes.

After reading that, I still had to think about whether or not I should respond, which I eventually did but just a short comment about Vienna. When did looks become a prerequisite for friendship for me?

To Love Somebody

2009-03-31T20:20:00.000-04:00

To Love Somebody

So Twilight came in the mail this past weekend and I watched it for kicks because I figure I’ll reserve judgment on all popular things until I’ve experienced them. Well, it didn’t really deviate from my preconceptions of it being vapid and shoujo manga/romance novel-esque. What ended up bothering me wasn’t it being devoid of plot or good writing but was more about what it said about myself – that I liked it despite those things.

I liked it purely on a superficial note because there were such beautiful people in the film even with pale make-up and red lips. I liked this movie even though Bella, the main character, is willing to give up her entire life - humanity, family, friends - for just some guy she met really frustrates me; and it frustrates me more because you want to be this girl who has this ridiculously hot vampire pine over you because of some je ne sais quoi bullshit reason he gives.

What does that say about me - or our society in general? That a guy can be so hot that you don't need to look for A, B, C or D? Maybe it's just alluring that you can have this connection without having to work for it - no need to go on dates, no need to take the time to get to know someone, which is time that can be used to look for deal breakers. Though I guess I've started a relationship in this manner before because I was more enamored with the idea of being in love and having someone be there, not giving myself time to actually consider whether or not I liked this person at all.

But maybe that's just the essence of adolescent love - when you can't really see the big picture and you don't really have to since you're stuck in the bubble of financial security and emotional immaturity of parents not wanting you to grow up too fast too soon. But now that I've grown up, I've still yet to find a feeling as strong as it was back then though I'm hoping more that it's cause I haven't found the right person yet than it being impossible to achieve now.

Racial Labels

2009-03-24T14:07:00.000-04:00

Racial Labels

My friend and I were talking about dating within and outside our races. I've always been open to dating every race because I think there’s hot and ugly in every race. There is some stigma when Asians date outside their race mostly because of the imbalance between genders (less likely to see an Asian male dating a non-Asian female than the other way around); I remember reading some bitter blogs or articles about the white man stealing our women. I’ve also read articles for class about Japanese women being so drawn to Black men. I guess it was true to these women or the author that once you go Black, you never go back.. and you gon’ need a wheelchair. I guess you can also see it through China and how male citizens have had to import women from other countries but this can be attributed to the one-child law favoring men, and that women marrying foreigners can be attributed more to money/green cards than anything else.

A different friend asked me once if it was the same case for gay Asian men as it was straight Asian men and I told her that we would be more similar to the straight Asian female perspective because of the prevalence of pre-conceived roles in which some guys want that exotic, submissive, smooth Asian pre-pubescent looking boy. Creep-fest.

The gays even have terms for racial preference: Rice Queen (Non-Asians that like Asians), Sticky Rice (Asians that like Asians). I wonder what I'd be.. an equal opportunity ricer? I'm always worried when a non-Asian is attracted or interested in me though because I wonder if it's more because of some fetish or more about physical appearance (which is something I have no control over except the choice to groom) than my personality (which would I hope be the reason why said person is interested).

It's kind of that can of worms when I ask them why they’re interested or attracted because I know I'm never going to be satisfied with the answer. You get the, "I really love Asian culture" (GET YOUR OWN!) or the, "I love how exotic they look" (RED FLAG). Some say, "I'm not usually attracted to Asians but I am to you," which is like that double-edged compliment that I don't know whether or not to feel happy about and feel more inclined to respond by saying "Well, I'm not usually attracted to ugly and you're not an exception." I formulate potential answers that I would be okay with like, “I don't like any particular race but I find myself just drawn to you” – but that has yet to happen. I think the ideal situation would be if I felt it were never an issue.

I’ve spent a lot of my young adult life wondering where I fit especially when given so many labels (and how they combine): Asian, Chinese, Cantonese, American, gay. There would be phases when I didn’t feel American enough to have non-Asian friends, Cantonese enough from being called ABC (American Born Chinese), or gay enough (whatever that means) to be part of any of the cliques or communities. I spent so much time feeling inadequate because I couldn't be enough for every (or any) group and it wasn't until I felt so exhausted from this impossible task that I just needed to stop worrying about fitting into any category and to just be me. If someone thought I fit in one, then that's fine.

The Asian-American notion is so new considering a majority of my friends are first-generation born and/or raised. This is why we still get “I love you long times,” “I have a few Oriental friends,” “Can you make Orange Chicken?” and not to forget Miley Cyrus and co. pulling their eyes small and slanted not realizing the sensitive implications, instead dismissing it by calling it ‘a goofy face.'

I don’t think it will happen in our lifetimes but I’m so interested in seeing where the future leads for Asian Americans and stereotypes when the majority will be third or fourth generation. We have so many labels and ways in which we can segregate ourselves that I wonder why it’s so hard to put that aside and just ‘be.’

500th Post

2009-03-17T03:41:00.000-04:00

500th Post

With such a substantial achievement, it's fitting that it comes with a new layout. Haven't done one for many years but I guess that's also attributed to the fact I don't blog that often but I'm hoping that will change with my move to New York. I'm hoping that this will be a renewal of many things - essentially excitement, which I haven't felt in so long (at least of this magnitude). I had similar situations entering college and studying abroad, which is probably why I blogged every day or multiple times a day during those times so I hope to be doing the same without sacrificing time living the life I write about.

I'm going to just keep forcing myself to experience life and new things as I'm running away from the static and comfortable feelings of being at home. I'll seek out more shows and events. I'll get over my dislike of running to go jogging in Central Park. I'm going to finally find and take those hip-hop classes. I'll think of more to do later.

Hello Change

2009-03-12T11:32:00.000-04:00

Hello Change

It's interesting how one month can be so different from the last. My last post was a little premature and I feel now that a different transition might happen. This is a time in my life when I have many options (though limited by the economy) and can go down various paths. And while I don't consider myself an overly impulsive person, the urge to be in New York has never been as strong and real as it has right now.

Funny now that New York is where I want to be when a month or two ago, I felt otherwise. Maybe I just didn't want to handle the cold though I think I've become okay with it since I've had to deal with a much colder than usual San Francisco anyway.

I've been thinking about what's best for me in my life recently. I've been going through life day by day because I've been so overwhelmed with work and side projects that I couldn't see more than two weeks ahead and that's such a strange feeling for me since when it comes to my life, I like to be centered and have control.

I have since finished the bulk of projects thus giving me more time to focus on myself. In the clarity, I thought about what my next step in life would be and a lot of things kept drawing me to the idea of moving away from home and what better place than New York. I feel I need a change of pace, of setting.. There were many times I've felt stuck here where I find myself easily being comfortable at home with family and friends, and I want to be more independent.

Even if I struggle, I don't think it will be a bad thing. Even if I'm living paycheck to paycheck and on a diet of cup ramen, I'll make do. This isn't a point in my life when I want to be comfortable or stagnant; I want that spontaneity.

The Transitional Phase

2009-02-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

The Transitional Phase

I’ve been quite aimless lately, in the sense that I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about things in my life and I haven’t really been moving towards something. I think the past month has been about me diminishing my focus to go one day at a time and in that, all I’ve let myself do is have fun while drudging through work to get over certain problems in my life, which now has left me unsettled. I think I need to take some time now to re-center myself and reassess what I want out of life or relationships.

I’ve happened into a very transitional period in my life with options I need to choose from. I got promoted last week meaning I am now full-time and with new title, which cements me here for awhile so New York is looking more unlikely within the near future. The job, however, definitely came a good time -- in that I was feeling very inspired by community leaders I work with and that I genuinely feel the work I’m doing actually makes a difference within the neighborhood. With that, I can actually make my goal to move to the city within the next few months. My choice is somewhat dependent on having friends up there though (which at this point, the numbers are few), so we’ll see how that situation changes.

In the love department, I’ve been able to get myself back on my feet but my batteries have yet to fully charge. I’m still a little guarded about opening myself up again to someone in that way. I went into my last endeavor with such a clear mind and optimism, having not dated for over a year and really being at peace with where I was in life and what I wanted out of it and a relationship. I’m still a bit mad, not at him but at myself, for being so wrong. It makes me feel like I am a terrible judge of character in how I so easily misjudged him. I’ve made peace with the fact that we just don’t work out as friends, as sad as it is for me to admit. As strong as I may say or delude myself into believing I am, consciously cutting someone out of my life is always bittersweet and tinged with regret.

I don’t think the things I want out of life or a relationship actually changed at all. If anything, it is just more affirmation that I shouldn’t settle for anything less than what I want or feel I deserve. It’s an exciting time in my life and I’m anxious to see how I’ll grow in the next few months.

Here or There

2009-01-28T03:48:00.001-05:00

Here or There

So I found out one of my friends is moving to New York and it made me sad. I've still been bouncing the idea of moving to New York back and forth in my head since this past November/December. This was also mostly due to me feeling a bit unmotivated at work lately but after today (as busy as it was), just seeing tangible change on the streets and the community has really validated the path that I've chosen. Moving to New York used to be what I wanted but now I just feel like there's a lot keeping me here.

Not necessarily due to me having attachments and baggage, definitely not. Sure, I want to be close to family and friends but I think that after I visited New York at the beginning of the year, it didn't have the same allure as it used to. I loved the food, loved the never-ending nights but I didn't feel like I was supposed to be there, at least now in my life. When I think now, I think about the Giants opener in April, I think about summer days in Dolores Park, I think about bar hopping in the Castro. I think my heart is here right now.

But we'll see. I'll look at jobs on both coasts and see what kind of opportunities are available. Either way, I'll be moving out to a city life. Maybe I should stay in San Francisco just so I can have my own MTV reality show - The Heights.. or The Bay.

Lyrical Therapy

2009-01-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

Lyrical Therapy

I debated whether or not I wanted to blog about the details of my recent 'person of interest' but I figured it's not worth it. Great two weeks, but didn't work out in the end.

What I will say is that music has truly been my therapy taking me through the different steps:

The angry songs:
"You're gonna be in the emergency room
I'm standing by your bed and searching to pull out your I.V."
(Rihanna - Emergency Room)

The sappy songs:
"The rain falls on my windows and a coldness runs through my soul."
(UTADA - Come Back to Me)

The comforting songs:
"Come on come on, you have got to move on.
This is not the you I know."
(Jon McLaughlin - We All Need Saving)

So, all that aside, the phase I'm in right now is Spanish love songs. There's just something about a language that is so expressive and romantic, and this one song by Luis Fonsi is just ridiculous. It's just this four minute long unabated confession of love.

"Aqui estoy yo, abriendote mi corazon
(Here I am, opening my heart to you)
llenando tu falta de amor
(filling up your lack of love)
cerrandole el paso al dolor
(closing up your history of pain)
No temas yo te cuidare, solo aceptame
(Don't fear, I'll take care of you. Just accept me)."
(Luis Fonsi f/ Aleks Syntek, David Bisbal, & Noel Schajris - Aqui Estoy Yo)

So now I'm back, given a renewal in a love of love. A friend told me that I always have a hard time moving on but it just means that I give it my all. I agree with that. I'm not saying that I was in love with this person or anywhere close; definitely not -- but I feel I'm the kind of person who hates limits in any of his personal relationships. With friends, I don't want to feel like we both can't talk to each other about anything or that we have to hide certain parts of our lives. With a love interest, I'd want to take things slow but I wouldn't want to do anything to limit our growth.

Individual Growth

2008-12-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

Individual Growth

The other day, I saw an ex-roommate that I, for lack of a better phrase, had a falling out with. In the early days of our friendship, I genuinely considered him a really good and close friend but after certain situations, things just changed and a rift had formed of which I could not traverse - whether because of my stubbornness or a desire to not get hurt any further. He had always said some negative things about people he/we knew, which always concerns me because I wonder what such a person would say about me when I'm not around. I pushed these concerns aside until I heard some things said about me that weren't necessarily that hurtful but in my mind, were said for the sake of saying something negative, which in itself is a character flaw that cannot really be easily fixed or managed.

Presently, I don't still care about what has happened, and part of me wanted to stop him and say, "Hi," but I felt that at this point, it was not my job to initiate a reconnection. In the past, I've usually been the one to try to rekindle a friendship but I realized there wasn't much point to do so if the other person didn't want to put in the same amount of effort. I say that I don't care per se but I still feel a tinge of pain or anger or maybe it feels more like betrayal; it could also just be disappointment in believing someone was different and that someone was so easily able to let go of a friendship that at one point was pretty damn good. But I guess regarding the latter, the same could be said of me.

Looking back, I think there was a lot of mutual fault rather than one-sided and I'm still not that strong a person to pick up and try again because rejection will always be quite the bitch. Maybe one day, I'll be able to leave everything behind and live without regard for rejection and loss when the eventual outcome could result in something renewed.

I always feel a bit of sorrow over lost/diminished friendships but it's just how life goes. We come in and out of each others' lives, we choose different paths, and we either change together or independently - and after all that, whether that means we can come together, co-exist, and have a stronger friendship or not distinguished the people that I have kept in my life.

My uncle and cousin are two of the friendliest, most personable people I know. They rarely dislike anyone and when I hear them say that someone has done them wrong, then I wholeheartedly believe without question that said person was at fault; I want to be that kind of person one day but I'm not quite there yet.

Yes on Ignorance or No on Hate

2008-10-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

You Decide: Yes on Ignorance or No on Hate

To all Californians voting Yes or are on the fence about Proposition 8:

Really take a look at the campaign you're voting for because I think if you open your eyes for once, you will see an underhanded advertising campaign filled with lies that perpetuate further hatred and ignorance. Maybe taking the low road is the only way they feel they can win, the only way they ever knew how to win. Your children are watching and who do you think looks better right now?

If and when you have children, ask yourself if you would love them any less if they are gay. For all of you who have answered yes, I pity your children for having been born into your family. Homosexuality is not a choice; the only choice a homosexual person makes is whether to accept it within him/herself or choose to remain closeted because of the fear of rejection from friends and family. The hate and discrimination you so easily divulge at your dinner table is the same hate your children will feel you have for them. You are the reason the homosexuality statistic is lower than it currently is because they are too afraid to acknowledge it. You are the reason your children cannot completely be themselves in school or throughout their lives. You are the reason for the death of your children whether through suicide or through hate crimes. You are the reason that your children could come to hate themselves.

Think about the future in which they will live in. If you really cared about the welfare of your family and "protecting California children," why would you want them to live in a world filled with more hate than acceptance?

Three Homes

2008-07-17T12:21:00.000-04:00

Three Homes

I went to Canada this past weekend for my aunt/uncle/cousin's annual barbeque, an event I've only started going to since last year. Usually I only go to Canada once a year at Christmas but ever since my uncle passed away, it's just put life and family into perspective. My mother did her subtle showing of discontent with me and my brother's decision to go but I didn't feel easy telling her that I just want to see my family as much as I can because who knows when life will throw us a curve ball.

Either way, I had a great time. And it's always a funny feeling regretting leaving a place, a feeling I've only gotten when I leave Canada or Hong Kong. It makes me think about living there or having grown up there, how my life would have turned out in these alternative realities. I never really regret not living elsewhere or growing up the way I did because I made all the friends and had all the experiences that I did.

To me, extended family is pretty nuclear; my cousins are my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles like second dads and moms, so it makes me sad to leave that sense of warmth behind, leaving a place that feels like home. I guess in a way, that's why I get that feeling about leaving both places because I have such a connection to both in terms of family and culture. Home equates to family, and if home is where you heart is, my heart is split, existing within these different places feeling a need to consistently satiate its sense of longing.

Will Work For Friendship

2008-07-14T04:54:00.000-04:00

Will Work For Friendship

Well, as a continuation from the past post, I figured out that my loneliness/depression stemmed from feeling distant from some of my best friends. As much as I try very hard to be understanding of conflicting plans, and living separate lives and in different locations, I just never wanted to feel like we were drifting apart. It just got to the point where I was saying in my head that I shouldn't have to be understanding about these type of things.

Usually I can handle an upset or two but I started to feel it too much in one time. I got canceled on by one friend and then just didn't feel a part of the group when some of my other friends came to visit. It's not that I don't expect things to change, I guess I just felt that there would be some concession, some meeting in the middle. I realized though that these things aren't intentional at all. It's not like my friends were trying to find ways to have us drift apart and ruin our friendship. I was being selfish; and sure, we should be selfish to an extent in friendships because we expect a lot from our best friends, but I realized that I was only willing to compromise on my own schedule instead of the other way around.

I was selfish in thinking that I didn't need to work harder to maintain these friendships now that we're apart because it definitely requires a lot more effort now that our lives are not as intertwined as they were before.

Waiting Alone

2008-07-01T03:02:00.001-04:00

Waiting Alone

There are times when I'm filled with a deep sadness and most of those times, they stem from a feeling of loneliness. (And yes, I know; I only blog when I feel like shit).

Loneliness - it's not something so easily defined; it's that gray area that you wish was a bit more colorful, more pleasant. Not that loneliness should ever be pleasant, but at least something transformed, evolving into something beautiful. Because I believe that happiness doesn't come from nothing but something that has a distinct past and history. Happiness comes from being saved from loneliness.

I think if I were to map my happiness and loneliness, the two are pretty much mutually exclusive; as one goes up, the other goes down. But there are different facets to both happiness and loneliness, as we derive different kinds at different times. I've spent the last year or two being very content with myself, with friendships, with trying to reach some level of independence that in my mind could never be completely satiated. And it's such an almost excruciating thing to admit to yourself that you want someone to depend on, that you want someone to make you happy. By no means am I saying that it is a bad thing to love someone but the thought of myself in this state in which I am now - a state where I'm constantly on the verge of tears - is literally and figuratively quite sad. I just thought I would be able to hold out until I felt I was at a better place, to feel more worthy of being loved, a place where I wouldn't have to question my feelings as being invalid - wanting to love someone for who he is and not how well he can hold me up. I want to be able to be open to love whenever it presents itself without wanting it to happen, without feeling I need it to happen.

I don't want to be a person who grasps onto someone through a moment of vulnerability. I think I deserve better than that.

Gay In The Media

2008-06-16T03:10:00.000-04:00

Gay In The Media

It seems that tackling the gay issue on TV has become the new controversial plot twist of choice. Sure, racism is still an important issue and we can still have movies like Crash but there's no real coming out associated with ethnicity. "Mom, dad, I'm.. Chinese."

I guess ever since shows like Will and Grace, Sex and the City, America's Next Top Model and well.. any show on Bravo started popping up left and right, it sort of sensationalized the idea of being gay. Being gay or having a gay BFF was the new "it" thing. On one hand, I'm happy that gay people have become more prominent in the media so that the idea of homosexuality is less stigmatized but then on the other hand, it doesn't help with alleviating stereotypes as it's primarily those that are portrayed in the media.

I think it's always something very emotional when I watch a coming out scene -- at least one that's very well acted and believable. The most recent one I remember was in Gossip Girl when they heavily advertised it as someone "dropping the gay bomb." Though maybe one day, coming out won't allude to a murderous weapon. Anyway, getting back to the point, it was a touching episode of the guy being forced out of the closet, his mother having difficulty accepting it, finding his own strength and self-esteem, and then he makes up with his mother who finally accepts him -- all in less than 24 hours. Yeah, that's the only part that will never seem real but I applaud them for making an ideal scenario of what I hope that situation to be for some people, the kind of things I remember always wanting to say but could only say clearly in my head.

Despite the pros and cons for gay representation in the media, I'm genuinely very happy with the outcome. Why? Because in two days, I will have the right to marry -- granted I have no one to marry and it's contingent on the November elections, but I'm confident things will turn out well. We've come this far. It's definitely time.

Hong Kong PDA

2008-04-11T03:02:00.000-04:00

Hong Kong PDA

If you ever go to Hong Kong, you’ll notice that its policy on PDA is a very open one. I’m not sure whether or not people in Hong Kong are more likely to be in couples than in the U.S. or other countries, but just that they are very noticeable in the public eye.

I find the whole thing rather refreshing, and I think a lot of it comes from the fact that Hong Kong is such a busy city so traversing through streets and subways makes it very easy to get separated without that linking hand or arm. The cynical part in me wonders if people are in relationships for good reasons or if it’s more a part of the contemporary Hong Kong culture to be a plus one rather than just a one. But I still like to believe that it’s just the simple act of liking someone and being in love.

I think this trip back to Hong Kong, the first after a little over two years, has renewed by desire to be in a relationship and have someone take care of me – in the simple contemporary ways of chivalry long forgotten to just protect from crowds or from getting lost. The idea of always walking side by side or not too far behind is one I have always loved. It’s never necessary but the gesture is always appreciated.

I haven’t felt compelled to date or like anyone in the past few months not predominantly because I haven’t found anyone of interest (though my pool has been rather dry) but more so because of me not knowing what I wanted or needed (or not really needing anything) out of a relationship/significant other. It seems that in my past history, I have always wanted or needed different things at certain times in my life and that’s what led to my phases and likes, which some of them currently in hindsight I’d rather forget. But I think some things stay constant for me. I don’t want an asshole; I want respect; and I want someone who loves the food network (who is not a vegetarian/vegan).

Obama v. Clinton - Right to Love

2008-03-23T23:36:00.001-04:00

Obama v. Clinton - Decision Based on the Right to Love

I don't consider myself an overly political person. I read up on issues when the situation warrants it and I definitely believe I should be much more aware and do my duty in being an involved citizen but I lose to laziness many times. I know so many people are on Team Obama, especially in my college-aged demographic, but before the California primaries, I did my part to make an educated assessment of who I wanted to vote for.

Obama and Hillary had a lot of similar issues so it just came down to certain things. In terms of the main issues, I didn't understand the need to give undocumented citizens driver's licenses; that just seems odd. With regards to health care, I actually liked Hillary's plan more and I think I read it would end up costing less.

What it really came down to was gay rights and gay marriage. Both believed in civil unions, both voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment (Marriage Protection Amendment), and both say no to gay marriage but yes to civil unions. What really spoke to me was the way both have spoken out on the issue and what they have done in the past. I watched Obama speak out on the issue when asked and he just seemed to really shy away from it. I know it's practically political/presidential suicide to publicly condone it but the manner in which he talked about it was that he didn't believe in it. And he did say that, because of the strict religious aspect of 'marriage.' Hillary on the other hand has past history working with the Human Rights Campaign, and you feel a certain warmth when she talks about the issue. She said that marriage should be decided by the state, which I think is fine. I'm not sure if Obama said the same thing though.

So as I've said earlier, I don't consider myself a political person, but I feel people always step up and become involved and more aware when there are infringements upon your rights as not only a citizen, but a human being. If you know me, then you will know that the last thing I will identify with is being gay. I'm Chinese, I'm American, I'm Canadian, I'm sexy, I'm fabulous, I'm gay. Sexual preference is never something I felt should ever be the defining characteristic of who I am but it is not to say that it is not an important part. Denying gay marriage is denying a part of me - the part that allows me to love another human being. I just don't see how we can be denied the right to love, the most inherent thing in all human beings. I want to be able to love someone to the fullest in equality. So to the claims of marriage as a biblical reference, and homosexuality as bad - well the bible also condoned slavery and deems adultery and divorce as sin. I don't think you can pick and choose what is convenient for you. I think that's why I can't wrap my head around fully liking Obama. It does come down to him being Black. Because he's Black, he should know better. With a history of slavery and oppression, how can you deny someone something. It's not just about taxes and visitation rights, it's about being completely equal in the eyes of every citizen.

Even if I have the same rights on paper, I still feel like I'm being denied something essential - an ideal. I feel without this, we as gay people will always be second class citizens. Maybe it's because all the movies glamorize love and marriage as being part of the same package that it is something that I want for myself. But then again while growing up, it wasn't prominent in the media that being gay in public is okay, is normal - because it isn't. It's not the norm because we still aren't able to have gay marriage in our legislation. Without that, we still won't be able to fully be free to love in public without others' scorn.

I feel we need gay marriage not just to be equal in love, but to show the next generation of questioning gay youth that it is normal to be gay. I grew up with a gay uncle and cousin but it still took a while for all of us to be open and out. Even me, who even knowing it was okay in my family, still found it hard to be okay with myself. I felt weird whenever I saw two guys in public, and sometimes I still do. I want the next generation to be able to be out in middle school or high school, have an open relationship even - or maybe just out to the extent of it not being an issue to dwell over in life. I want that for the future, to ease the process that was relatively painful and stressful for me in the past. Sure, I've considered the whole coming-out process a rite of passage - through it, I discovered strength and individuality - but I don't think we ever want our friends or kids to be in pain.

Bitches Don't Know How to Dress

2008-02-29T02:28:00.000-05:00

Bitches Don't Know How to Dress These Days

I went to a club the other day that apparently had a strict dress code. No sneakers and a full button up shirt. I almost didn't get in because I was wearing a polo shirt. Mind you, I was definitely the best dressed there wearing a Lacoste polo, John Varvatos for Converse suspender pants, and Creative Recreation blue gingham fidels.. which the combined cost of all is probably around 300 dollars. I bet those raggity ass guys wore 50 bucks tops.

It made me think about that horrible hetero trend I saw while in college in SD (or Socal in general) where it was just a wrinkled dress shirt untucked with jeans, puka shell necklace, and some rainbows. Just reeks of frat boys and "bros/bruhs." It was fine and all until it was like everyday. And it was like.. you just look gross cause you know most of them just rolled out of bed cause they had bed head and face. They just took the 'look like I'm not trying' thing a little too far.

I've always wanted to do a style blog but I've been too lazy to work on the other blog within my website.. mm.. that'll be my next project. But until then, I'll just leave bits here too.

And here you go boys and girls, the things that Carl loves and you should too:

Creative Recreation Ponti in Ash & Teal ($135)

Love love love Creative Recreation. They basically have a refined and edgy look on casual shoes. I love that they aren't afraid to use color and pastels, and seriously.. don't be afraid of pastels. I love the Ponti line, brings hightops to a new level and even has an homage to high striped socks on the side stretch.

Gentle Fawn Oasis Skirtail ($52)

In terms of girl's clothes, I find most things so generic. It happens because the market is totally geared towards women. With it being so inundated, I just never notice anything cause they all look the same and rarely find anything that I really like. I have really liked this brand called Gentle Fawn. It's relatively cheap and affordable and has really good fits and styles. I have always been an advocate of bringing suspenders back and I think this is a really cute way. The high-waisted skirt had reversible suspenders and versatile enough to dress up or dress down.

When Dreams Surpass Reality

2008-02-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

When Dreams Surpass Reality

I've had three or so dreams throughout the past months about being courted or happening upon meetings with celebrities and starting something with them. It's actually really stupid to think about it, but the feeling in dreams are so intense and simplified that makes me wonder if I'll feel that in real life again.

I'm just never in the mood to accept love or liking someone, I find huge flaws in guys that could potentially be a romantic interest, except these flaws double as friendship flaws so I think either way, the two are related for me in that it is necessary to be comfortable with a guy I like the same way I'm comfortable around friends. I'm sure part of the blame is on me for possibly placing somewhat unreasonable expectations on people but I don't think that's necessarily the problem.

I have unreasonable expectations probably when others look at them and especially after having dreams where amazing celebrities fall helplessly in love with my charm and smile, but the flaws I've seen in recent guys are just annoyingly impossible to disregard. I don't really have time for the closeted guy who is too worried about being hetero and discreet, or the guy who isn't man enough to give me a straight answer for a date, or the guy who cares more about having fun in bed than having fun watching Food Network.

I just know what I want, and it's none of that. As time does go by, I wonder if I close myself up to the possibilities but I feel that if one does come up, I'll know it and be open to it definitely. But either way, I'm happy where I am now and a relationship is not on the top of my list of priorities these days.

2008 Beginnings

2008-01-05T19:35:00.000-05:00

2008 Beginnings

So it's a new year, one to have a blank slate to start anew, a new chapter in my so-called life. I think of all the successes and failures in the past year and it's tough actually. When you feel such uncertainty in life without security that is your own, and all while time doesn't stop and take a break for you to think. It's a scary thing, that real world.

I watched P.S. I Love You the other day, and even though Hilary Swank does not do that well with leading Romantic Dramedies, it was Gerard Butler, the gruff bearded half-naked lead of 300, that really swept me off my feet and took me on this magic carpet ride. Why can't I find someone like that? A hot Irish guy who I would feel emptiness when he's gone.

If I think about it, I would say that I really haven't been in love. I thought I was but you realize everything was just based in circumstances and naivety. I spent last year without any real romantic prospects and I've begun to think that I really have no clue what love is. But maybe the more we try to define it or have a clear concept, that we lose its true meaning. Maybe because I haven't felt that feeling in a long time that I've forgotten what it is to love or be loved. But there's still an entire lifetime to find that and figure it out.

I feel it, somehow, 2008 will be a good year. Even if it's just wishful thinking or my own delusions that I need to keep putting forward; I'd be moving forward either way, so the destination justifies whatever means I use. Things have a way of working out, pieces falling where they may and coming together.

Best Dream Ever

2007-12-08T15:12:00.000-05:00

Best. Dream. Ever.

Fuck flying dreams. Those have got nothing on the dream I just had. I guess Super Mario Galaxy was in my unconscious because I was myself but with Mario jumping abilities dodging monsters and jumping up walls to get something, I assume a star.

The dream then transitioned into my car with Steph, Dandan, and LJ, and they had all gotten a star each so we had four total. We needed to get five for this competition, I'm guessing like scavenger hunt/Amazing Race like, but then someone said the fifth star was on some fantasy mountain. I had never been there and was scared to drive up the curvy paths and there were some close calls but we got there safely.

Now here's the coolest part: we had to slide down the snow-topped mountain! So I went down and I was going really fast and went down these crazy curves. I was scared of flying off the mountain and almost did so I rolled to stop. I saw a guy come down behind me actually fly off the mountain into some water. Steph slid down and stopped at me, and I told her what happened. We then slid down on our stomachs and it was the best adrenaline rush ever. We slid down to the end which was this hot spring so we were instantly warm. And then it was paradise.

I woke up before we found the fifth star but I figure that most of my dreams never end completely, probably for good reason -- it gives me some adventure to look forward to when I wake up.

I Love Dorks.. Again

2007-10-15T02:48:00.000-04:00

I Love Dorks.. Again

I was watching this terrible Cantonese movie but it had Steven Cheung in it, who is half Dutch and half Cantonese. He's part of this boy band trio that used to be a duo with Kenny Kwan. I originally thought Steven was cuter with his hapa cuteness and his dorky emo kinda look, but then swayed more to Kenny later on who was more clean-cut and prettier. But seeing Steven in this movie again made me realize that my tastes have changed - or reverted - once again.

I guess I have this thing for guys that don't take themselves too seriously, that aren't afraid to look dorky or ugly because in my eyes, it's cute. A smirk is my biggest weakness sending quivers all over my body. I'm like the prince in Cinderella looking all over for the girl whose foot will fit in the glass slipper -- except replace girl with boy, foot with mouth/cheek, and glass slipper with smirk/dimple/weirdness (and yes, I purposely left me as the prince; however, please refrain - as hard as it may be - to add two s's at the end). I hope I need not wait long till I find a smirk that will make me weak. Le sigh.

My dating pool is so dry. I know so few gay people. I don't even like most of the ones I do meet. Oh how hard it will be to find a guy who doesn't mind looking ugly or weird in a sea of narcissists.

My Generation

2007-10-14T18:52:00.000-04:00

My Generation

I was cleaning out all the crap that's piled up in my room ever since I've lived in it. I found this poem for my High School American Studies class junior year, and wow was I totally full of teenage angst during my emo existentialism phase. Enjoy.

My Generation (2002)
by Carl Cheng

My generation,
Mindless drones.
Homework, tests,
Colleges, grade point averages,
That's all that matters.
Sadly..
Or maybe even happily,
I am a member of this generation.

No time to care,
No time to worry,
No time to protest,
War is at hand,
I do not care,
I have no time to c are.

Endless bombings,
Endless death,
Endless pain,
Studying,
I do not feel,
I have no time to feel.

I used to think,
I would never see war,
And now that it's come,
I see it no more.
Nothing has changed,
Workload stays the same.

Even now,
I write this poem,
For a project,
For a few paltry points,
In hopes to get an A.
While the time to write this poem,
Could be used,
to care..
to feel..
to live..

The Melting Pot Post

2007-10-09T17:00:00.001-04:00

The Melting Pot Post

I've been meaning to blog, I really have. I wish I could give you a reason why, mostly it's just laziness. I probably get rid of some of the blogging urge because I started yelping after having a horrible experience trusting other people's tastes in Asian food. Anyway, last night I had a dream that I was asleep/comatose/amnesiac for an entire year and the only thought I had upon waking that year after was, "Oh my God, I haven't blogged in a year!" Lame. I know. So here you go:

My uncle had passed about a week after we went to visit him. I was pretty numb after hearing the news and kinda deferred the feeling and subject matter until his memorial banquet two weekends ago, which was beautiful and where I cried like a baby with my cousins. I'm basically out to my relatives and family and friends, as this assumed notion was made official when I was brought to a string of gay clubs and bars and me being way drunk and talking about how guys are lame and how hard it is to find someone half-decent.

I've become so disillusioned with the prospect of relationships (I know, such a recurring theme in my posts). It's about that time where I need to find a guy to rejuvenate my feeling that there are intelligent, well-mannered guys with morals out there -- oh and that are good looking as well, can't forget that.

After recent events, I realize that life is too short to just wait around for things to happen. With being gay, you always get stuck in these roles surrounding gender. The more masculine guys will be the tops, the ones who take initiative, ask others on dates, and maybe have a deeper voice. The other side is essentially the opposite just waiting for things to happen. I find myself dabbing in all these roles except I never ask anyone out or approach other guys. I got fed up with everything and just decided to swallow my pride, or more shyness and fear than anything else, and just try because there's really nothing to lose. Rejection is nothing.

So I put this new-found ballsy-ness to the test and asked a guy out, only to have him say that he wouldn't say yes and he wouldn't say no. Well fuck you. You can't even give me an answer when you're five years older? How mature are you? I feel that if I have the balls to ask someone out on a date, that he should at least give me a straight answer (pun not intended but accepted anyway).

Moving on, I saw the new Ang Lee film, Lust, Caution, last weekend with a friend and I absolutely loved it. When we arrived, all the showings had been sold out since early evening (and they have a showing every hour). I was actually surprised with how many people wanted to see it and knew that it was out. Granted, there were a lot of older Asian people, but considering all the controversy with the racy sex scenes and NC-17 rating, I thought most older Asian people too conservative to watch it. The sex scenes I thought going into the movie would probably be excessive and unnecessary, but I was proven wrong. The scenes showed a certain progression of the characters and their emotions, personalities, and level of trust through this odd portrayal of a power struggle.

I loved the film because it's so beautiful in its subtleties. While watching it (even though I watched it from the front row so I definitely want to watch it again), I thought to myself how so many people were not going to understand the history of the time portrayed in this film. It had so many levels. In terms of dialects, there were Shanghainese, Mandarin, and Cantonese, being regional languages used for cover and hierarchy. The characters make comments putting down certain languages as barbaric. As well, Mainlanders consider the Hong Kong people to be like modern Americans in that they care more for luxury than war, as being more oblivious. Then they show the Japanese occupation and the idea of how Japan wanted all Asians to free themselves from colonialism and oppression despite the fact that Japan basically just took their place as usurper. There's just so much hierarchy and with the changing in languages, I know non-Asians/Chinese will not understand these subtleties too well, if at all. And even if one tries to explain, I don't think they'll understand the humor in a patriotic play/song from the Mainland and how it contrasts with a Taiwanese or Hong Kong view as satirical.

I realize then that this divide of understanding that just has to be explained (and maybe cannot ever be entirely) falls into finding a partner. Ideally, it'd be great to want someone to have a certain level of intellectual/cultural understanding so as to not need to explain because it means you come from a similar background. I don't expect to have someone like that, and I probably don't want someone too much so because it'll probably be too boring. I want someone then that might have that or just has the desire to understand and soak up knowledge and culture as I do. As even with food, you never want to stick to one cuisine, as good food - like love - is universal.

Family

2007-08-23T13:27:00.000-04:00

Family

There's something intrinsic about family and its ability to come together in times of need. This past weekend basically stripped away all our habits and left us with our natural tendencies to feel, to care.

I flew to Canada Friday afternoon and was taken to see my uncle right after my father and I arrived. I had no idea that we were and no idea of what I was about to see other than a small warning that he was skinnier. Well, the reality is that my uncle is in the hospice and is a fraction of the man he normally is. I won't go into the details because I'd rather remember him in all his glory than the man who was overtaken by cancer.

It was hard for me to hold back my tears in front of him but I did because I must. It was harder for me to see my father try as I know he hurts much more than I do. This is the brother that helped him through college and to get him where he is today. My father always spoke of how he wanted to give back to him in anyway that he could.

My brother didn't arrive till later that night so he didn't get to see him so my cousin and I tried to prepare him during our drunken cry-fest but ended up probably sounding more hysterical than anything else. Though in that moment, my brother consoled us. In that moment, and seeing him the next day with my uncle just showed a side of my brother that I rarely see. Not that I ever felt that he wasn't capable of caring, just that his more carefree joking attitude is more prevalent.

When I saw my uncle for the second time, I told him that I am gay even though I'm not sure he was lucid enough to hear it. It's not the way I wanted to tell him but I just needed to tell him before he passed. I said goodbye and he nodded.

My uncle's partner told us that he finished all his business and sorted out everything before he entered the hospice. He even planned his banquet and the menu as he did not want a funeral; he wanted something more that celebrated life. And why shouldn't we?

Desperation and Inevitability

2007-08-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

Desperation and Inevitability

I don't know how I will cope with death and loss, desperation and longing, hope and inevitability. I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife and I don't know how I fully feel about it, but it was definitely worth my reading as an emotional outlet for the events that are going on in my life right now.

My mother told me a little over a month ago that my uncle who had colon cancer and was in remission, had a relapse, and apparently has a year left or less to live. I spent that night crying, hoping and praying for a miracle. I felt guilty that after that week, thoughts of him and his condition were lessened in my mind but maybe as an unconscious way to cope and function in normal life and be happy. But I remember a week ago, having a dream in which he had passed away and it was up to my cousins, my brother, and me to (attempt to) tell my father the news in the impaired state we were in from the endless tears. I was shouting, shouting words of apology and woke up to wet eyes and a sore throat unsure if I really was shouting in my sleep. Even my unconscious cannot forget and I feel sorry for the part of me that I have repressed as I have allowed it to fight alone in this battle of tears.

I leave in two days to Canada to see him, and I don't know what will transpire. This is my uncle, my extremely cultured uncle who loves to travel, who loves life, who just happens to be gay too; who even if he basically outted me to my entire family, I can forgive easily and still love him. Yet even though I love, there is still much I do not know. Growing up, you just never ask; or maybe I just never did. There is no past, no history before you were born and I feel sad.

I never asked which country or city is his favorite.
I never asked how or when he came out.
I never asked about the troubles he had to endure.
I never told him I love him unconditionally.
I never thanked him for allowing me to have a family that is accepting of me and my lifestyle.

The Life-Changing Test

2007-07-20T18:36:00.000-04:00

The Life-Changing Test

There are some tests above any that you just can't fail, that taking again will not change the outcome; one such test is the HIV test. I did my first STD testing last week and it was a scary process though the entire staff was extremely nice and light-hearted to make the process not as daunting as it seemed in my mind.

The week of waiting was not too bad. I mostly kept my mind off of things and even as I was waiting in the waiting room, it didn't feel so bad. My mind got paranoid a few times thinking that on the off-chance that the results would be bad, that my life would change in ways that I could not even fathom. I didn't necessarily think of dying, I thought of what it would do to my life plans and goals. This test was the last major step before I mentally got into the mindset of starting this new chapter and I didn't want to start it already handicapped. I know that even if I did have it, even though it would take time and habits to adjust, I would still continue to live on as many do live with this virus.

But before these thoughts could develop any further, the counselor revealed my results as negative and I proceeded to smile for the next thirty minutes of my day. I celebrated this achievement with a little shopping and an iced soy chai to accompany this already beautiful day.

I can't remember a time when I have felt so much relief from news regarding myself, but I know many deal with this situation from cancer and other serious illnesses that most don't necessarily have control over. Even though having HIV would be life-changing, I consider finding out that you don't have it just as important to your life. HIV transfer is preventable for us in the first world and we just have to make those safe decisions to respect not only ourselves but the many others who do not have that choice. I pledge to make testing a habit of mine to do every six months, even though I don't plan on having sexual relations for quite a while.

Yay celibacy!
Yay life!

Al Futuro

2007-07-17T02:45:00.000-04:00

Al Futuro

I was looking at some pictures of me when I was a kid - probably around 4-8 years old - and I really wonder where that kid has gone. I used to be able to look at these pictures and smile and think about how adorable I used to be (as vain as it sounds) but now I look and just can't see myself in those pictures and it genuinely scares me.

I don't recognize myself in him anymore and I wonder why I have strayed so much from this image. It's not just a matter of growing up and taking responsibility as an adult, but maybe it's this uncertainty, this changing of morals and trading reality for naivety is a hard thing for me to cope with.

In idea, I do a lot of things these days that in mind, I am okay with. But afterwards, I tend to think that I regret them. The drinking, the sex, I don't know anymore. I don't know if I can trust myself to make decisions that I can live with. It's almost as if I have two sides: the bad side gets me to do things that instinctively I might want to at the time, all whilst leaving the good side to deal with the consequences. With a clear mind after I have distanced myself from the situation and let time pass, I still don't regret these things but I come very close.

Realizing that I would be ending a chapter of my life and that I would be moving back home for awhile, I felt that if there were any time in my life to be "slutacious," that time would be now. I honestly didn't know when the next time I would have sex would be. That coupled with the fact that it has become increasingly more difficult to find someone that is even date-able led to this state of frustration and confusion.

The feelings of almost-regret stemmed from the fact that I really am not the kind of person who can just view sex as pure pleasure without meaning. I need that meaning. I need there to be something more. Though now anyway, I've grown tired from sex and would much rather just have a conversation over dinner and wine or enjoy watching TV or a movie alone without having to worry that something more physical will arise from it.

I think I'm just resolving myself to not let myself get into situations that can result in things that I do not want to happen; so maybe I should not be alone or in any compromising situations or cliched scenarios in which things could turn more physical. I need time for myself to just recoup and work on getting started with this new chapter in my life. That is really what's most important.

For my future goals, I have many. I want to work in graphic design, print-advertising, go intern in Hong Kong or Japan, while hoping to be discovered and be a pop star. I want to learn more languages, and somehow fit in going to culinary school into my schedule so that one day I can open up a cafe/bakery/restaurant/bar. Then when I have enough money, I can volunteer at non-profits and hope to better the world in whatever small ways I can. But I don't know what job I can get right now as it seems that everything is too much or too little experience and my major is extremely broad.

I know that I will always be that kid in these pictures but I also understand the importance of seeing the differences between the two of us - my growth as an individual and a human being, and all that I have accomplished thus far in life. If I could go back in time to see young Carl, I'd tell him to not worry, that despite all the insecurities, mistakes, and dilemmas he would have in life, he would grow up very well.

I don't necessarily know what I can do right now but I know I want to and will do something. Something AMAZING (hopefully).

California Hunger

2007-06-11T00:22:00.000-04:00

California Hunger

Procrastination and thoughts of post-grad life in the bay spurred me not to think of how much I'll miss friends, but of how much I'll miss the food in San Diego/Southern California.

Actually, I've been thinking about how lazy I am to write about my own life considering I've done it for five or six years now, and I tend to repeat myself. So, I decided to just merge all my f-ing ideas into this blog: food, fashion, fables, and faggotry.

So, there's been a recent (well within the past year) trend of the new Asian frozen yogurt. It's not necessarily Asians that thought of the idea first I'm sure, but it was popularized in the form of Pinkberry. I first had it in Westwood last December and tasting it was probably the equivalent of an orgasm, probably better than the average one at that. Oh, and go to the pinkberry website because they now have this.. song. It's oddly catchy (and equally scary) in this overly-cutesy/semi-want-to-kill-yourself Korean-pop way.

So Pinkberry sought to keep it simple by having just two flavors: plain and green tea, while offering various toppings of fruit, cereal, yogurt chips, and mochi. Mochi was the best thing and I attribute it to its popularity, at least among me and other Asians. It's the new pearl tea/boba. I had it in NYC on the upper east side and was saddened to know they didn't stock mochi, probably more of a local trend and considering the demographic of its customers and the area is not that Asian. I still stand by my saying that if you haven't had it with mochi, you haven't had true Pinkberry/Asian-tart-yogurt-experience.

In San Diego, they now have Yogurt World, nestled right in a compressed strip of Asia called Convoy. It essentially takes Pinkberry's idea and adds to it by giving you more choices in flavors, providing various tart and non-tart flavors. For tart flavors other than just the Pinkberry plain and green tea staples, they have mango, Asian peach, and various temporary test flavors like passionfruit and strawberry. They also allow a vast amount of toppings that you would find at shaved ice places, more cereals, and of course mochi (except they run out sometimes). What makes Yogurt World better than Pinkberry is its allowance for freedom and more choices. It is essentially self-serve where you can choose as many flavors and toppings as you want for a price of 38 cents per ounce. Usually I average a 4-6 dollar purchase depending on how much of a fatty I'm feeling that day. The one big problem is Yogurt World's consistency; it is way too soft and melts too quickly. I still think Pinkberry's yogurt tastes better but it is a great alternative to it also considering the fact that Pinkberry is a good hundred miles away from San Diego.

With that in mind, I looked into Pinkberry/Yogurt World-equivalents in the bay area, to which I've scraped up that there will be some other yogurt places in the city like Kiwiberri (Pinkberry knockoff? I have yet to try it) and Yogurt Bar, and one in Sacramento called Yogurtopia for the lucky Davis kid. The I <3 Yogurt in Cupertino that opened up is from what I gather and to my disappointment, not a tart yogurt place.

Up in Rowland Heights/Irvine, they both have this snack place called Genki Living. Both chains have interesting decor. The one in Rowland Heights/Diamond Plaza is set up to look like the wooden stands you see in the streets of Japan or in the subways. The one in Irvine has a wall dedicated to being a subway train, which is pretty damn cool. They serve various assortments of Japanese street/festival foods like takoyaki (octopus and flour balls), taiyaki (sweet filled pancakes), okonomiyaki (savory noodle/pancake). They also serve pearl tea/boba and crepes, which I think are the highlight. They are the best Asian crepes I have ever had. They are Asian crepes because they are thicker and sweeter, more pancake like but still crisp enough to hold all the crap you want to fill it with, which is a lot. Q-cups are good, but I think they're not as good and there's not much choices as to what you can put in them. I've heard of the Genki Crepes in SF that I want to try out soon to see how that is.

The places I will miss in SD are Pho Hoa Cali, Tajima's, and Extraordinary Desserts. Essentially they are my favorite Pho, Japanese, and Dessert places not just in SD, but from what I've had in a long time.

The Pho at Pho Hoa Cali separates itself from others just by its depth of flavor and subtlety in difference. It's hard to describe it, but you just know that it's the best pho you've had. Maybe they lace it with LSD.

Tajima's is not what you'd normally think of a Japanese restaurant, meaning it's not a sushi restaurant. However, you will never miss it at this place where they serve a large variety. On Thursday-Saturday nights, they have a special late-night ramen night, with the ramen being amazing especially when you add the pureed garlic they have on the table. Additionally they have various entrees like various katsu/cutlets, hamburger steaks, okonomiyaki, hamburger steaks (just think a hamburger/meatloaf without the bun). My favorites are the Minchi Katsu, Spicy Ramen, Sashimi Salad, Scallop & Cream Croquette, and Salmon Onigiri (rice ball).

Extraordinary Desserts is this extravagant and modern place located in Downtown SD supposedly in Little Italy, but I only know it as the place after the Aladdin Bail Bonds. There are two locations, the aforementioned and another in Hillcrest. The Hillcrest location is seemingly more intimate and cafe-like, but I prefer the Downtown one much more. The workers at the Hillcrest location, for the few times I've been there, have been a little too attitude-y and more crowded. The Downtown one I think is much more intimate with the beautiful decor, and the dim lights accented with candlelights after evening. The waiters I've had at that one have much nicer and more fun to converse with. Their dessert menu changes everyday, so that ends in pros and cons. The con is that they do not have menus online or anywhere you can check so when you do decide to go, despite having a wide variety of choices and specials, it could be a surprise that you might not be in the mood for. I do feel their chocolates are too rich for my tastes, which in turn makes it hard to eat more than a few bites, so I prefer the creams and white cakes, especially the Neapolitan/Napoleon. They also make a damn good Soy Chai.

Even though there aren't really equivalents in the bay right now, I think it's better that way. It gives you something to go back and visit for, and something to appreciate. I'm a strong believer in local food anyway, so I'll just take the time to re-discover the bay once I move back. Who wants to join me? *chomp*

For Fuck's Sake

2007-05-12T03:17:00.000-04:00

For Fuck's Sake

It's funny how we constantly fear being judged even if we claim we don't care about what people think. But even then, when we say that, it's more that we don't care about what people think if we don't know them. Because even Samantha was angry when she felt that Carrie judged her for giving a blow job.. at her job.

Why is it though that we can glorify and cheer on the exploits of these older women being like men when it comes to sex - in that they have many sexual partners and not necessarily in or with the intent to be in a relationship? It seems that this fantasy of fun takes away the label of promiscuity and creates a new norm.

However, that is all contained in the show as it never applies to real life as anyone that has casual sex or a hook up is instantly seen as promiscuous or a slut. But really, who are we to judge? I mean, it's always been my policy to never judge but there's also a difference between judging and concern. We can always worry that certain ventures into pleasure and addictions come from a bad place, and in those cases, then it's more of a matter of concern and wanting to help. But if both parties know the terms and what they're getting, then why is it so wrong to just have sex?

I mean, I'd advise a one nighter to be avoided if someone is a virgin, but aside from that, I would have no qualms. We're given hormones for a reason, and for the most part, I try to keep them in place. Just "do your business" so you can actually focus on work. But sometimes, you just miss it or you wonder, why not?

Sex is fun, it loses the calories, it's a change of pace. And if you're lucky, you don't have to deal with the morning after by leaving or kicking the person out because well -- in my case, it's a lot harder for me to get a good night's sleep if I don't sleep alone.

I've never been the guy who ever craves sex that much or who would consider having casual sex but as college is ending and it marking the move back to my parent's house for awhile, the opportunity will be gone - at the very least, more limited. So I've been thinking, going back and forth in my head, that maybe I should just do it. Not just because I can, but because really, why not? Better to be 'promiscuous' at this point in my life than later on.

It sucks though because when I've been looking into it, I worried about being found out when I really shouldn't. I don't, despite the fact that I already feel the judgments of some friends. It does piss me off, thinking that I have to explain myself to them when I shouldn't.

But you know what? All I'll say is that if I want to fuck someone, I'll fuck someone. Why? Because it's my God-given right, and right as an American citizen.

The Sketrosexual

2007-05-01T18:37:00.000-04:00

The Sketrosexual

Wow, when did straight guys get so metro? It's not just the typical metrosexual that I come to associate with the big cities and fashion centers, but I saw a new breed today - a hybrid that I have dubbed 'the sketro.' A mix of skater + metrosexual, but also because it's a little sketchy at this time because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it.

On the shuttle today, I saw this very stylish surf/skater-esque guy but well-groomed and put together. There were no baggy pants, no skater shoes or rainbow flip-flops, but instead a color palette from top to bottom that matched perfectly. Although it was a little too matchy for my taste because I like to mismatch a bit but enough to make it still work, I must say I was impressed. The baseball hat was off center and not fully on, which is how I wear it. Ankle socks just under his pumas. But the detail that was most surprising to me was that he folded up the little flap of his t-shirt just to show off the bit of white that his undershirt gave. Hell, I don't even do that.

I think I might have to start worrying about the straighties outdoing me now. Time to step up my game.

Forget Regret

2007-04-16T02:11:00.000-04:00

Forget Regret

It's rare that I feel such strong regret in life, but it seems that after dance/singing competitions, I think about the various paths my life could have taken and been that much more enriched.

I think about why I didn't pursue these things before and I came up with reasons that I was just so displaced from it. This group of people, this culture, this talent, I felt I had none or no connection to it. When it came to passion, I didn't have that either, at least until now like discovering some bits of a past life as a performer yearning to taste that life again. I'm not saying that I want this as a career path, but I just feel there's this part of me that needs this, that needs some outlet, something that I want to do.

Part of me hates that I realized this so late, that I didn't change into the person I am now sooner. Or just that I hate that part of me that is okay with being content and lazy or the part that puts things off for reasons of improbability.

Maybe it's just the fact that graduation is so close, the nine-to-five lifestyle is imminent, and I'm afraid that it'll be too late for me to do all the things I've wanted to do. I want to learn to play the guitar, I want to be in a hip hop dance group, I want to write songs, I want to be on American Idol.

I mean, in a sense, it's never too late, but I worry about getting too comfortable. I see my parents so fatigued from work to do anything. The only time they go out that's not for work is to eat or shop. The only hobbies they have now are to watch Korean dramas at home, and I don't want to end up like that, not yet.

I think it becomes so easy to become comfortable, by just having a daily routine to execute, while forgetting about all my goals and desires out of detachment. I want to be conscious about constantly having something in my life that invigorates it. So I'm going to find some hip hop dance classes, maybe try out for a group later, learn a few chords, write some songs, and keep on singing - singing my life with my words.

Commitment-phobe

2007-03-18T17:25:00.000-04:00

I've Become My Own Worst Enemy: A Commitment-phobe

It's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, and it's not necessarily because of a personal choice to be single or that I haven't been dating, and it's definitely not one where I feel enclosed by the relationship and guy I had before as something that special. I just think that every guy I come across ends up being just the same, not that special.

I'm not saying I didn't love him or that my relationship wasn't special, but in the time since then, I've gained much more out of a relationship than in it. Sure, maybe I couldn't have gained or learned this much without having been in one, but I still feel that I treasure more the time after.

I'm fed up. Guys are lame. I know my definition of slow is not necessarily the same as everyone's but I feel I make it pretty clear when I say I want to take things slow or not do anything physical but they don't listen. I mean do I really need to say it upfront that I don't want any of it or else it's over? Telling someone to be more romantic kinda takes the romance out of it. Saying it would just cover up who the person is inherently and I'm looking for an inherently good person.

I don't respect a guy that kisses within the first five or so meetings because it means he does not respect me, especially after I've said that I don't want it. I say it, I dodge it, but then I get it without warning on the second meeting? I mean, really? And sure I didn't stop it after it happened but that's only because I hate awkwardness so I'd rather wait a while and make an excuse for you to leave and tell you your mistake later. You know it's a bad sign when while making out, you think of the best excuse to get him to leave or break it off and revel, while adding this one to the list, in all the reasons why you love being single.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite cause maybe it'd be different if there was actually something there and I actually had feelings. But even then, it'd still be an issue. Maybe my expectations are high, but then I have high expectations for myself so why shouldn't I have equally high ones for someone else. I don't even think my expectations are that high. All I ask is for someone who is not boring to talk to, is decent looking, I'm comfortable with, and respects me.

I hate what has happened to dating. It hasn't become a time to get the feel for someone but more a time to well, get the "feel" for someone. It's become more serious than it is. I spent time feeling bad and stressed about breaking it off when there was essentially nothing to break off; and that is the problem.

You don't get to try the shoes on anymore without being pressured to buy them and take them out of the store. Why can't we just take our time trying them on first, walking around the store, weighing how much it costs with how much we're willing to spend, and gauging whether or not it really is a good fit.

The Only Way is a Two-Way Street

2007-02-26T00:38:00.000-05:00

The Only Way is a Two-Way Street

It's amazing how a dream can make you feel bad about an imaginary situation as if it really happened. In a sense, I was depressed over a guy that I don't even know and a relationship that I never had. But even then, I guess it comes down to me being depressed because I'm lonely, I'm tired of not having someone.

I was napping for a few hours and I dreamt that I had uprooted my life and was on a bus to go be with this one guy. He was very good looking, an ex who I was going to get back with but who somewhat neglected me. He constantly walked ahead of me without looking back and when with his friends, I felt such a physical distance between us and our lives that I felt that I could never be a part of his.

I guess in retrospect, the scenario was a mix of various memories I had in the area of love but I guess the theme was neglect.

I feel that there's always a problem with me liking someone because I end up liking the kind of person I think he is or can be, leaving me feeling daft with the realization of who he isn't or isn't yet.

A friend said that I'm just the kind of person that will sacrifice and give and give because it's in my nature to be giving, and that now it's my time to receive. I do feel like I constantly give and it seems that I'm always the one trying and doing all the work and now I'm exhausted.

Love and friendship is a two-way fucking street. And I'm done trying.

A Reason To Live, A Reason For Regret

2007-02-20T02:51:00.000-05:00

A Reason To Live, A Reason For Regret

During the time I was at the hospital on Friday, there was this one patient whose story I heard bits of. It was eerie as if all other sounds in the hospital were hushed just so I could hear this one thing clearly.

I didn’t know anything about the patient – name, gender, age – but I somehow spent the time filling in the blanks in my own head and created a story for this patient whom I believed was a teenage boy, maybe as a way to focus my mind on something other than my own situation or just because of the irony of it all.

The patient had from what I gathered, attempted to commit suicide.

Here I was, alive, fine, had a chance at dying, in a place where people have tried to be saved only to get their lives taken from them -- and here was someone who wanted to take his own.

I can’t imagine life being that bad to want to take one’s own life but maybe I’m just naïve in that aspect. It just makes me sad to think that things can be that bad for someone to even remotely consider it.

I guess I’m very lucky for a lot of reasons then -- that I don’t, that I’m alive, that I’m accepted, that I’m fortunate, that I’m happy, and that I’m loved.

When I last had a car accident, I wanted comfort from someone. I wanted arms that I could run into, a chest that I could wipe my tears on, and a voice that could console me and let me forget for a few moments. This time was different. I’m not sure why -- whether it was the fact that I had gotten more self-reliant, or that I didn’t have anyone on which to rely on, or maybe I just didn’t think anyone could console me.

I wonder what that patient thought of, if he thought of anyone or anything in particular. Maybe because he had nothing, he would think of no one. So maybe in that, we are similar. If I had died, I would have died without having someone to love, that one person that I could give my all to, that one person I would regret not being able to say, “I love you, “ one last time.

I don’t want to die alone -- and I know I’m not necessarily alone; it’s just that I think it’s inherent in all human beings to want to love someone, to find that one person we want to share our lives with, the one we know we were meant to be with, and the one we’d ultimately regret leaving. I think then, that that is the one regret that a person should ever have in life.

When Life Goes Silent

2007-02-18T00:31:00.000-05:00

When Life Goes Silent

I still can see it. The scene plays over and over in my head. The scene in which the car goes into the center divider and realize that the car that I am in is rolling. I still can see it very clearly even now, and know now that it really is like the movies -- except that it was my movie, a scene from the movie of my life.

I can't imagine how it seemed to all those that saw it. I think after being in it, I think it would be too much for me now. Anyone in their right mind that saw that happen must have thought that we wouldn't make it out alive. But we did. We did with just a few scratches and bruises. We did, but with a lot less of ourselves than we started out with. But we did.

I kept thinking after that it was my fault. That somehow I could have stopped this from happening. I had a feeling that something was going to happen but I didn't say anything. There was a tunnel that we went under and I wished that we would get back to the bay safely - but I guess in a way, we did. I thought that if I had just switched to drive in her place earlier, we would have been okay. I wondered if I didn't say anything when we were changing lanes if my friend wouldn't have been that startled to brake that fast.

There's a lot of thoughts that go through your head during something like this, and that much more after. My thoughts during the incident became simple and fast, while everything seemed slow and fast at the same time. As we were headed into the center divider, I said to myself we weren't going home. When we were upside down, I wondered if we were upside down, I wondered if we were in a movie, I wondered if I was dreaming. When I realized we were upside down and flipping, I didn't think that we were going to make it out of there.. at least without getting badly injured. But we did.

After somewhat re-gathering myself somehow, I got very focused thinking about what we needed so I found our phones but I couldn't find my glasses because I'm blind (the irony). A man who stopped ushered us out and told us to sit by the divider and that's when I lost myself in thoughts of what happened. My eyes wandered to the car to everywhere, I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. So many people stopped for us and were very helpful and caring. The policemen, firemen, and EMTs were all helping us, to make this horrifying day somewhat better. It made me have so much more faith in the people of this world. Human compassion is an amazing thing.

I tried to stay strong for my friend because it wouldn't be helpful to have two people crying. With blurred eyes, I saw the next six hours of my life. But maybe that in itself was a blessing. Being strapped onto a board and being put on a stretcher and looking up at the sky, the ceiling, and people's faces - it's a view I'd never seen before.

When I was left alone and when I thought nobody was looking, I had time to think and reflect and let myself cry. I called my mom and cried because she didn't even know I was going to come home. I cried because I just wanted to surprise her by coming home and instead, I had to surprise her in another way.

There must be a God. There must be someone watching out for us. I believed it before but I believe it so much more now. To think that it could all end and that I'd feel nothing anymore, to get that close to that was horrifying.

Today, I live to see another day, another night, another sun, another moon, another cloud, another star, another face, another me.

I cry sometimes when I think about it or see images in my head, but at least I can still cry.

Today, I got my petition back from my department major and they said they approved my classes to be accepted so I can graduate. I can graduate. I cried because I can graduate. Because I can actually live to see that day, to be in that day.

I don't think I've ever been so happy to be alive.

Emotional Deprivation

2007-02-13T18:33:00.000-05:00

Emotional Deprivation

Ever since I entered college, I developed this need to listen to music when I went to sleep. It started out as just a way to drown out sounds that would annoy me and prevent me from sleeping, but after time and a certain event, it turned into a way to drown out my own thoughts.

My first year at college, my roommate and other suitemates of mine were rather nocturnal – which, I never really understood because that meant not going to class but I guess that was maybe the point. The walls in my dorm were really thin; you could hear whispers even. Granted I already slept at two or three in the morning but they would continue on until dawn.

I only depended on it when I needed to, and if I was at home or on vacation, I wouldn’t need to use it (though I’d wish I had to drown out my dad’s snoring). It wasn’t until I had my first rough breakup that I relied on late night phone calls with friends, reading, or long music playlists to give my mind something to focus on instead of focusing on crying.

It’s a weird thing to have it become a habit even though I’ve moved on a long time ago. I don’t know if it’s something I still need, but I feel like something’s missing without it. I guess in the process, I just conditioned myself to only sleep well with music like my own personal lullaby.

I wonder if it is such a bad thing to be left with my own thoughts. I think there’s still this underlying fear that if I’m lying in bed alone with nothing to distract me, that I’ll just find a way to break down, to think of all the thoughts I have in some way repressed or put off thinking about.

I don’t really know if what I’m doing is healthy or if there really is anything I’m repressing. I guess maybe I repress all the feelings of my problems by trying to deal with them all rationally so that I don’t have to get hurt in some way.

Time to Get it Right

2007-02-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

Time to Get it Right

Looking back on movies or even my own situations, love really is all about timing -- how long two people should be together before things change and one or both realize that they should be apart, going on separate paths or the need to leave someone behind, or constantly not being in the same place at the same time.

With all the obstacles that we face, feelings have, in many cases, become not enough to sustain a relationship when it comes to various obstacles. While the movies tend to have more of a happy Hollywood ending where a couple's feelings are strong enough to prevail, real life is not as indulging.

I remember telling my friend that my favorite song is Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting, and she told me that it was depressing but I had always believed it to be hopeful. She said that the idea of waiting was too much and painful, while I responded that it was about waiting for something worthwhile, a hope for a love that was unchanging.

Maybe that's just my hopeless romanticism or just my belief in waiting and doing everything for something special and meaningful, that rare occasion when you fall in love or the constant state of anxiousness and hastened heartbeats, that this is better than the alternative of losing that.

But it seems love is about timing and some people's unwillingness to wait. Maybe love is about finding someone who will wait if you want to wait, or maybe it's about finding someone who just happens to always be on the same path as you - but how often do we find that? --But then again, how often do we find love?

Nanjing

2007-02-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

Nanjing

I was reading about the Battle/Rape of Nanjing for my paper and it became increasingly difficult to get through until I couldn't continue and had to stop to re-compose myself and blink and re-distribute the excess water in my eyes so they wouldn't fall.

The words weren't very detailed and didn't evoke horrid images in my head but even then, I still felt something almost as if I was directly affected by this, maybe in another life, or a spirit feeding me its feelings or an ancestor's pain infused within my blood. This has been an event I had always wanted to avoid thinking about just because I wanted to be detached and feel nothing because to feel even a little would be a lot.

I remember when I was doing research for my sixth grade autobiography project and my grandmother told me loosely about what happened and I think I was just able to not fully process it because of how young and naive I was. But it's still crazy to think about all these things that have happened and the fact that not even a lifetime has passed since. It's so easy to feel so detached from it because that's how our society is, a society of forgetting the past and all the negative things that happen around the world.

To be consciously aware is a hard thing to do, to realize the world has so many problems, so many that retreating into the bubble we live in is very tempting.

I hope one day, when I'm capable of handling these emotions a little better and I've had a good enough run of happiness, that I'll find a genuine, honest account of what happened in Nanjing and sit through it to give it the respect that it deserves from me to be known.

Love's Right Next to You

2007-02-01T18:52:00.000-05:00

Love's Right Next to You

In movies, the popular cliché is that your soul mate, the person you fall in love with, would be right in front of them all along – essentially meaning, we were too close to the situation to really see the bigger picture, that we have no reason to realize it unless attention gets brought to it or it’s in danger of getting taken away.

But why does it always have to be in front of us? Do we always look forward for love and prospects? Do we essentially want someone who is ahead of us, older, more knowledgeable so as to better help and support us in times of need? If we always look ahead or alienate prospects, then maybe we’re just limiting our ability to love or find love.

Maybe the ones we fall in love with are right behind us but we just never cared to turn around to see what was there. If both people are constantly moving at the same pace and both aren’t looking in each other’s direction, then how will they know if they just missed a chance to connect?

But I don’t know. In terms of age or life experiences, I don’t necessarily care to have someone guide me and take care of me nor do I want someone that I have to take care of because God knows how much of that I had to do and it was ridiculously draining.

I want the one I fall in love with to be right next to me – at a stage in life that is similar to mine so that we will be able to experience and go through things together as opposed to a possible imbalance of helping that can occur in age gaps – at least when we’re at this point in our lives and age matters in that essentially, every year is a place-mark.

Besides, it’s annoying to have someone walk too far in front of you or behind you, and it’s easier to hold hands and keep each other warm if you’re right next to each other.

Growing Old

2007-01-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

Growing Old

So today, my friend found a white hair on my head and for some reason, it made me trip out like crazy. I’m not really sure why considering it’s normal for people my age to find one or two and I’m pretty sure I remember having one when I was younger, probably due to high stress in high school.

I think just the idea of turning old really got to me, and I envisioned a reality of having a full set of whites and grays on my head at the old, yet young age of 21. I remembered how I had to pull out all my mom’s white hairs when I was younger before they became abundant and she started to dye her hair. I was probably dazed looking at that white strand of hair for about three minutes before I threw it away.

I sometimes worry that there will be a time when I outlive my bits of immaturity or if it just won’t be deemed acceptable when I’m older. Growing up, I thought that when you’re out of college or by the age of 25, you’d have to grow up and start worrying about wine and cheese parties or start talking about stocks, and stop laughing when someone farts or when someone says penis or vagina. But that image was shattered a year or two ago when I was at a Giants game and older people around me were laughing when the walking vendor was shouting out for us to buy a sack of big, salty nuts. I think in a way I’ll always be young at heart. I want to be the weird hip dad that my kids will be embarrassed about and that their friends will laugh about.

I think now that I’m at the age and stage of life that I am now, there’s a lot of things that I fear about growing up – essentially the taking on of responsibilities and becoming more financially independent, things that I have taken for granted all my life.

So scared of growing older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
// Stop This Train by John Mayer

I’m only good at being young right now, but I think I’d be pretty good at being older too – well, at least being young when I’m older.

Gambling With Love

2007-01-25T13:30:00.000-05:00

Gambling With Love

I spent my last weekend in Las Vegas. Now that I finally turned 21, I was eagerly awaiting to try my luck at gambling – something that I had always mystified in my head growing up just because it’s not something that you can really do before that age.

I was always drawn to the idea of gambling – the idea of making money out of money, despite risk – that is, until I started to lose. It took awhile to learn how they worked with all the buttons and varieties. As I played more, I got into this daze of wanting to win more when I lost and always wanting to push risk when I did win big, usually resulting in loss or evening out.

I realized after I stopped and has some time to think that love is a lot like gambling. Just as you can’t win if you don’t play, you can’t find love if you don’t want to try. I realized as I was gambling that I lost money usually when I only gambled with 1-5 dollars, but when I used 20 and understood the game, I doubled it.

We can’t really limp into love; we can’t keep taking baby steps all the time despite wanting to protect ourselves from getting hurt. But likewise, we shouldn’t put all our money on something that we’re not sure of or don’t feel good about. We gauge the feelings, the impression, and the situation, and from that, decide how much to invest into trying. Even so, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it our all sometimes.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe you need to bet and risk all of your heart to find and be in love. We can’t really find or be in love if we don’t want to risk getting hurt. Love’s bound to be found.

If we get hurt and feel tired of trying, just wait until you’re ready to try and try again. Wait because you should never settle because as Betty asked in Ugly Betty, “How do I know if I’m settling down or just settling?” Well Betty, if you have to ask yourself that, then it’s probably the latter. Take a risk! Go for Henry! Go for love (and he’s cuter)!

Romance Is Dead

2007-01-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

Romance Is Dead

There was this one guy that I talked to over a month ago. I said that I cared more about the romance, the wooing, the courtship rather than sex. He said simply that it would pass. Him, being several years older, showed no hesitation or doubt that he was or could be wrong - that people, and eventually me, would lose that desire for romance and just care more about "having fun."

The way I see it, I feel maybe he was just hurt too many times so by just not caring about the whole love aspect and care more about having no-strings-attached fun leads to no problems. But then again, even if I say that I won't end up like that, who knows. I don't know how future endeavors will end up. The break up I had before was horrible and I was extremely vulnerable afterwards, and it's not something I'm looking forward to re-experiencing.

I'm in love with love though. I want the dating. I want the excitement of getting to know something new about a guy. I want the shy smiles and the eyes turning away when they meet. I want the buildup to the kiss that will actually mean something more than just two sets of lips pressed against each other with a tongue whose owner doesn't know what he's doing. I mean really, when did it become okay to kiss on a first meeting that wasn't at a party in a drunken stupor (aside from hookups and one nighters)?

What's happened to romance? What happened to dating? The wooing? And no sir or miss, contrary to popular belief among our generation, wooing is not a hand down your pants. No more unpractical flowers, no more chocolates that you like getting but hate eating, and no more phone calls just because someone missed your voice; just condoms, lube, and birth control. Maybe the flowers, chocolates, and phone calls are an art known only by people in their late 20's and up.

Nobody dates anymore; well, at least our generation. It seems going on an actual "date" is a lost art, and all we get to do is "hang out." Have the balls and ask someone out on an official date and pay for the meal, and don't be ordering from the dollar menu at McDonald's.

I think I've gotten really apathetic with relationships. It's extremely rare for me to have strong feelings for someone and even then, when I do find that and it falls through, all the effort I put into it leaves me with nothing left for others; at least for now. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to give me reason to believe that I'm not the only one who still truly - and I mean TRULY - believes in romance and all that it entails - sappy love songs, cheesy cards and all.

The Holidays

2007-01-07T03:43:00.000-05:00

The Holidays

I know I haven't blogged in forever and I even put up a layout before posting, but being at home for a month just makes me feel like not doing anything that I feel I should do. Blogging shouldn't necessarily be that way but to actually write something that makes me want to write is hard to find.

I've had a lot of random ideas but I never got to it because the Wii, catching up on TV shows and movies, going out with friends seemed more important because I can always blog anytime, but it's not often I get to relax, be home, or see high school friends.

So, I spent Christmas in Canada with relatives. That was really nice despite the awkward bit of my uncle yelling to the family that he stayed in the same gay hotel as I did in Barcelona (I didn't stay there) mishearing my conversation with my cousin about staying in socal for some of summer. Yeah, it was pretty mortifying and led to a few seconds of dead silence that seemed much, much longer. Needless to say, it was the most eventful Christmas to date.

It's funny cause my uncle told my mom to make sure I came, specifically asking for me, and I really didn't know why. I didn't think much of it but I still wondered if something would happen. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to Canada and told me that he might need to have surgery again for colon cancer, which we thought he was okay in remission. But I said simply, then we go.

That silence though spoke millions to me. In that silence, I basically knew that everyone knew about me or at least suspected or talked about it. That's not a big surprise to me considering I'm not really hiding it and I'm the baby of the family so everyone's seen me grow up. But also my cousin tried to save me and that silence and I know how much she loves me, as do I love her very much. She takes care of me a lot.

That night, I was worried that maybe my mom would act different or not be okay with it but she was, so I'm not sure if she was bothered by it at all or was just really okay with me being gay and accepted it completely. I mean, being gay isn't necessarily a big thing in the family considering I do have a gay uncle and a gay cousin. But I guess maybe it's a big thing if there's three? Then there really might be a gay gene somewhere in the family. I guess the only reason that I don't come out to my family is that it's still hard. Friends are easier, I mean they come and go, they can relate to you easier, you feel less about being judged. But maybe also just the fact that me coming out gives permission in a way to ask about my personal life, and I'm not really wanting to tell mom, or my aunt about guys I'm dating.

But either way, Christmas was still Christmas for the Cheng family. We had a great big twelve-pound turkey, two pans of scalloped potatoes, stuffing, brussel sprouts with pancetta and onions, salad, raspberry fruit tart, and a whole lotta alcohol. Tradition is a funny thing. It's unchanging yes, but there's just joy in that, the fact that you can come to expect these things that you miss every year, and the same nostalgic tastes and smells and laughters are back, just a year older.

Later that week, I went out clubbing with my brother and cousin on a whim. I had a lot of fun even though a lot of it is kinda blurry.. but I feel I got closer with them. It's weird because I've always been the baby (still am but now old enough to actually drink); but I'm glad it didn't feel like I was scared to drink or dance with them or they felt like they had to take care of me too much. I'm finally old(er). It's a weird feeling because all that comes with it is responsibility, job searching, the future.. I was talking with Dandan about it and just how the future is so uncertain that it's scary but exciting at the same time.

It's a new year again. I probably say the same things - want to lose weight, do good in school, be a better person. But you know what, every year, I feel better than before, and that says a lot. So I'm looking forward to another year, and the year after that, and so on. There's bound to be good in every year, every month, and every day.

How I Deal

2006-11-16T03:04:00.000-05:00

How I Deal

I feel that a lot of negative things have been happening lately that involve me. It's said that God only gives us as much as we can handle, and if that's the case, then part of me wants to be able to handle less cause the amount of stuff I've had to deal with lately is border-line ridiculous.

I've been handling them all rather well lately - at least, I think - ever since I've realized that all I've been doing recently has been to complain and avoid my problems or blame others for them. I think I've been doing pretty good with keeping complaining to a minimum and knowing the difference between complaining and keeping friends updated and just genuinely trying to let go of all my grudges as opposed to waiting for them to let go of me. I rarely say that I'm proud of myself but I feel that way because I do see a difference between now and a few weeks ago and I'm just trying to stay strong through everything, granting people second (or sixth..) chances even when they might not deserve it. But maybe that's just the part of me coming back that I thought had disappeared, the part that believes that people are inherently good or can change for the better.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I guess even then, I'm not that good to just give someone another chance unless I feel that he/she is genuinely sorry. For me, there's two options: on one hand, I want either revenge/punishment so that the other person hurts equally or more so than I have, and on the other hand, I just want an apology that shows me that the other person has been hurting that much. Either way, I want the other person to hurt so maybe humans are vengeful in nature. Maybe I'm over-generalizing and maybe there is someone that can genuinely not care about being hurt to just let it all go, but I have yet to meet such a person.

I really don't know how I've been able to stay grounded and standing, much less sane. Even in the hardest of times, I've been able to smile when I was sad, and laugh when I was mad -- but I guess I can attribute this to a special "box" of mine.

Life In Repair

2006-10-23T03:09:00.000-04:00

Life In Repair

They say, "if it's not broke, don't fix it;" but what happens when people try to fix things that I was ok with being broken.

We go through life breaking appliances or other electronics through overuse or just time and wear, and instead of fixing them for the most part, we upgrade or buy a new one - because it's easier and sometimes, better. Just the same, we go through life meeting people, but like life's fluidity, people come and go. I wonder how much we can actually keep in our head in the form of memories - if by making new ones, we end up replacing old ones and forgetting about a lot of the people that we spent time with and the memories that followed.

Looking back on my younger days, I barely remember anything from elementary school or junior high. All that's left are static images of the past, like a photo album with very few pictures from which to access memories.

I'm just fatigued. Maybe I'm too exhausted physically and emotionally, or maybe the emotional fatigue makes me physically fatigued - but either way, I think I'm just too tired to care or save friendships if I don't feel that I was ever that close with them to begin with or if I didn't think we'd actually talk in a year anyway; so why waste the time with a "Hi, what's up?" when I can group all that time together and enjoy it doing something pointless like watching someone shit his pants on youtube. At least this way, I'll get a laugh out of the latter.

But I guess I wonder, if it's ever too late to fix something that's broken.

Will an overdue apology allow forgiveness? I don't know.

Can I really give someone another genuine chance to make things work, despite all the hurt and pain? I don't know.

Maybe I have to work on repairing myself first and having the same energy and happiness I had in summer before I have the energy and resolve to tackle other things that might bring me down even further, because it's not like I can buy a new me. I'm stuck with the one I have for life, so I might as well keep me well oiled and running smoothly to be the best me I can be.

Who I Am and What I'm Not

2006-10-20T03:18:00.000-04:00

Who I Am and What I'm Not

I'd like to be someone who can understand a lot of different people.

I'm learning more everyday.

I'd like to be someone who doesn't judge people based on their actions.

I try to think of why they act that way instead.

I'd like to be someone who can look past the wrongs that people have done to not hate or dislike them, and maybe to a point, give them another chance.

But it gets harder everytime.

I'd like to be someone who's strong and doesn't run away from certain things.

But I'm getting more and more exhausted.

I'd like to be someone who can say what they want and fight for it.

But I'm scared of being left with nothing.

I'd like to be someone better than who I am today.

But I'm not, but tomorrow's another day.

Inspiration and Inclinations

2006-10-17T17:48:00.000-04:00

Inspiration and Inclinations

I've been so unmotivated to write about my life or my thoughts, and instead I've felt more inclined to write creatively and start writing my stories again. But even then, I lack inspiration to flesh out my ideas or even get ideas to begin with.

I think I've always wanted to write a love story, a happy but realistic one. I already wrote one that was bittersweet, but to me at that time, was happy in that it was hopeful.

While thinking of stories, I think more about my own experiences and what I feel and what i think and lately, I've started to think more about the idea of 'love at first sight.' While I still don't believe it exists in the sense that you can be in love with someone without knowing anything about them other than knowing their physical apperarance and style, I thought more romantically of 'other knowledge' like the idea of previous knowledge - in the sense of like a previous life.

But what I thought was more realistic - while albeit not that realistic to most people, but to me, understandable - was just the idea of an inclination towards someone. With people, you can gauge friendship in a matter of minutes. We live in a world that is based in a sense by first impressions, and even preconceptions in the form of prejudice.

Either way, I was just enamored with the idea of an inclination towards someone, that somehow, your heart would know that this is someone special without exchanging words but just from looking into his/her eyes.

Friends

2006-10-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

Who/what to Call a Friend

Being friends assumes a certain closeness – how much so varies on the people; but in general, it seems to be that it’s used as a term to maintain “friendly” relations. In the past few weeks, I’ve thought about lost friendships, situational friendships, and regained ones.

I feel that the word/term, friend, is way too general. It’s a touchy subject in general anyways, considering the fact that if the opportunity comes up where you have to introduce someone you know and you call him/her an acquaintance or a classmate, he/she could easily be offended by not being called a friend – even if they really aren’t that close at all. And on the other side of the spectrum, there can be those that are more than friends, where because there’s nothing else to call it, friend becomes the default.

I know I use a lot of adjectives to define my friends: one of my best friends, good friend, best guy friend, high school friend, ex-friend, or maybe it just deteriorates to guy who fucked me over or disrespected me.

I still think it’s weird how people come in and out of your lives, especially when you’ve gotten into such a groove or comfortable enough with the people that you’ve surrounded yourself with. I’d like to think I’m that good enough of a person to just forgive and forget and be okay with being close to the people who have wronged me but that young boy who used to believe that he could be friends with everyone is essentially gone.

It’s hard to make time for everyone in general and needless to say, as time goes on, people change and you realize people’s true colors and they fuck you over.

So maybe true friends in a sense, are the ones that don’t; they are the ones that stick by you through all the shit, the tears, the confusion, and don’t believe the things that people say about you that aren’t true or are distorted because as a friend, they should know what you would and wouldn’t do. God knows I’ve ended many “friendships” of people thinking so lowly of me to do shit like “mad-dog” or participate in a “he-said/she-said.” And even if by chance, I fault for I am human and humans, by biblical definition, make mistakes, it should be my true friends that would understand that and understand my reasoning for making such mistakes.

Maybe life is just a test to weed out all the people in your life that aren’t going to stick by you in the end.

Lifeless

2006-09-28T21:09:00.000-04:00

Lifeless

I don't think I know myself anymore.

I think I'm going kinda crazy actually.

I was on the bus today and someone asked me "where I'm from" again. Apparently, I can't escape it. It was some Turkish girl who wanted to learn more the differences between Asians and maybe how to better distinguish people apart. While that's all good and nice, it brought back memories and I don't even know what about it was so bad, but when I sat down on the bus, I started to cry.

I don't know what part of me was crying. Maybe I don't really feel like I belong in this country or in San Diego anymore. Maybe I don't feel like I'm Chinese enough or I'm scared to be too Chinese, despite worrying about losing my language and culture and immersing myself too much in it.

But I don't even think that's it. Maybe it's a part of it, but what happened on the bus was just a trigger to some emotions.

Lately, I haven't even been myself. I came back to see friends I hadn't seen for months and all I could say was hi. I feel lifeless, paralyzed; like I'm sitting immobile in my body watching life go on as time passes me by.

It's frustrating, knowing that I had three months where I was extremely happy. But now, somewhere along the way, I feel like I've lost myself. Where was that guy who could easily say what he wanted to say, who always busted out into song and dance randomly on the street?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just still emotionally exhausted and I haven't really had time to organize all the things in my life; I just hate feeling that I've lost control over it. I hate the idea that I'm not myself right now, and I fear the idea that maybe I didn't lose it, but instead changed into this and won't ever be able to get it back - what, before, I thought was inherent to my character.

A Month-long Learning Experience

2006-09-14T11:29:00.000-04:00

A Month-long Learning Experience

This month has felt so incredibly long for me, and I know it probably hasn't felt that long for people back home but I guess I attribute mine just to the fact that I spend everyday with people, going out, sight-seeing, clubbing, walking several miles, learning, which all culminate to just pure exhaustion.

Not having privacy for a month is a weird thing. Being in a country that feels so foreign to you is also a weird thing. I never realized how much I depended on the small things, like free water or the desire to have hot soup and noodles, or anything other than sandwiches or pasta.

I miss pho. I miss sushi. Hell, I even miss Denny's.

Two days left and I can't wait. Even though I'll only have three or four days to be at home before I have to drive down to San Diego, I'll press pause on life. I'll milk it for every millisecond I can, and remember every feeling and every bite of my popo's cooking.

I couldn't ask for a better summer. I look back and these three months felt more like a year, with three distinct chapters, lengthened by strengtened friendships as well as the beginning of new ones, finding and sustaining happiness, and seeing and experiencing new things, while maturing to a point where I can still see bad things in a positive light, albeit still anxious whenever walking in what I believe to be a dangerous neighborhood here.

I think I've grown a lot here, and whether that results in me being a better person, I'm not the judge of that. But regardless, I'm happy that I can still be the kind of person who sees the good in every situation and person.

But with two days left, I'm approaching my limit and all I want to do when I get back is collapse and just fall into someone's arms.

Assault

2006-09-10T12:51:00.000-04:00

Assault

Well, I got kinda assaulted last night. It shook me up quite a bit. We were coming back from dinner and walking down what I guess was not a very good neighborhood. I could hear people following us but I didn't want to turn around because I was scared. All of a sudden, somebody runs up and pushes my back really hard. After we turned around, I saw two guys somewhat confused and some guy disapearing into an alley. I wasn't sure if they were going to pull out any weapons or mug us, but shortly after, they went into the same alley. I told the girls to hurry and walk faster and just keep going. I'm not sure what really happened but it still makes me scared to go out, considering I've never been the target of anything of the sort.

More and more, I feel like it's just really hard to live here, or just be here. Not just for me, but I worry then about all the other immigrants that face the same type of things I go through. If I've gone through the amount that I've gone through in just the past two weeks, I can't even imagine how it is for the people who live here.

One more week.. and as much as I love the people here, I really do just want to go home.

Mild Case of Depression

2006-09-03T15:51:00.000-04:00

Mild Case of Depression

I feel an incredible sadness within me and I'm not sure where it's coming from. Maybe it's a combination of factors like it usually tends to be with me, in that they all come together to the point where it becomes unbearable.

I haven't been sleeping much lately. In the past week, I've only slept more than 5 hours probably once. I think the exhaustion is catching up.

Here in Spain, I didn't expect there to be many Asians but never would I have anticipated the amount of descrimination and racism that I've encountered. It's really sickening. Many people stare, point, and talk to their friends and laugh thinking that I don't understand them. I seriously felt like some animal in a zoo. Everyday, I've had a person come up to me and ask me where I'm "from," to which I respond the United States. But that's not the answer they wanted; they wanted to know where I'm "really" from, or they sometimes ask where my father is from. So I say Hong Kong, and then they usually just say, "Oh China" and walk away. I think I'd be okay with it if that isn't the end of the conversation but it always is. Today, some guy pointed and said Chino, ching ching ching pretending to speak what he thought was Chinese and laughed with his friends. I wanted to punch him in the face. I can forgive them for being naive but I feel so belittled. Never in my life have I felt that I was a minority, or one that was descriminated against.

But maybe I'm lucky that way, and it's good that I got to experience this because many people go through this kind of naivety and descrimination everyday. It puts things into perspective and makes me appreciate the people back home who look at me as a person. I think this was really the only time I've ever felt any sense of strong patriotism and desire to be thought of as American or Canadian or even just Chinese/Cantonese/Hong Kong-ness instead of just being called Chino, which is what they use to group together all Asians and I guess is equivalent to being called Oriental.

I think the inability to talk to someone back home about issues makes me keep my feelings within. Don't get me wrong; the people here are great people but I can't just open up to tell them certain things about myself, or more like I don't want to burden them with my problems.

I miss a lot of things back home but I'm happy here. Two more weeks in Spain and I'll enjoy it despite sickness and exhaustion. I've learned a lot here about architecture, planning, people, the world, and most importantly about myself and my limits.

I hope everyone's well. Sorry I can't really keep in touch with all of you but I think about all (or most) of you, wishing that you could be here with me.

Much love,
Carl

My Shortest Post Ever

2006-09-02T10:29:00.000-04:00

My Shortest Post Ever

Clubbing burnout - energy comes when you do fun things

People and vibes - people enjoy my weird Carl-isms and one person said that when she first met me that she knew that I was very unique and meant to do something. That really made me feel special

Fun times - Good times.

The Dark Part of Me

2006-08-27T07:58:00.000-04:00

The Dark Part of Me

There’s this ugly part of my character that I try not to acknowledge or let people see. As much as I try to stay positive and be a good person, there’s always that inkling in my head that makes me think otherwise.

I realize that it comes from a bad place and within it, encompasses all my flaws and insecurities. Somewhere in my mind, I want people to fail so that I can succeed or be able to do less to succeed, but I think it just comes more from the fear of being a failure in life or disappointing my parents. Somewhere in my mind, I desire revenge not in the way that I would openly be active in enacting plans but more so in that I hope the people that have wronged me are doing bad and are worse off than I am or without me in their lives.

I feel like such a coward sometimes, to be running away from certain problems or just unable to battle my own demons, but maybe it’s an impossible feat to ever win and truly be free from fear. I was walking around a veteran cemetery in Christchurch, England, which also was a site for convicting and condemning people accused of being witches. I thought to myself that there were two extremes of people who weren’t or couldn’t be cowardly and I felt myself to be one even that much more.

Whenever I feel paranoid, pessimistic, or don’t have things in control, I try to rationalize and think of things more simplistically and it helps for the most part. I just have a habit of overthinking a lot of things, and that leads to me being manipulative in the way that I try to plan things in ways to get what I want out of life, which I believe to be the darkest part of me – the thing I hate about myself the most.

Sometimes I wonder if people ever really get to see who I am in essence because there are times when I feel that I don’t even know myself. But in the end, I guess I know it not to be true – at least with my closer friends. I only know this because it’s only with certain people that I can be with without having to think of things to say, what to do, or worry about being judged or seen as stupid. I guess with friends, me being stupid comes naturally.

Oh. And Barcelona is beautiful (even with the attempted mugging).

London Actually..

2006-08-23T17:45:00.000-04:00

London Actually..

When I had first arrived in London, it hadn’t really sunk in that this was my first time in Europe and that I was actually in Europe. I used to have such an inclination for wanting to visit Europe believing it to have this veneer about it. But still, I felt very apathetic about London, and I wasn’t sure if I was just underwhelmed by this place or because I had things on my mind and was just missing people back home.

Central London is a weird place; it’s comprised mostly of foreigners and tourists. English was in all seriousness a minority language. I heard Tagalog, Mandarin, Cantonese, and Hebrew all before English. And if I did hear English, it was from Americans or Australians.

The first place I went to after arriving at the hotel was Chinatown near Picadilly Circus. I went into a restaurant called the Golden Dragon and forgot that I was in Europe as I felt I was in Hong Kong (though I should say Mainland China because a wedding was going on and you can tell they were from the boonies).

London reminded me much of Hong Kong. It felt the same and the subways reminded me of Hong Kong’s MTR before the revamped it. London’s metro made me wary as it was all open and I still have that random fear of my mind losing control and somehow I’ll end up jumping into a moving train..

Riding on the tour bus, I was joined by more tourists and drove by to see even more tourists and I felt a little disgusted. I had this image of just the tourists being vultures that took over London and all the native citizens instead moved to the outskirts, which was the case anyway. I’d see tourists riding the lion statues doing kind of obscene gestures for photo opportunities and I was just wondering why before I had held London to such high esteem.

I walked on Oxford Street hoping to find lots of good shopping but it just reminded me of San Francisco, mostly all the same stores were there, except for the fact that the prices are doubled. At first glance, the prices look cheap as they are about the same (numerically) as the states except for the fact that the pound-to-dollar ratio is almost 1:2 so everything is double priced – even the McDonald’s dollar menu is for us, a two dollar menu.

Already on day two, I was feeling tired of London and ready to go to Barcelona. But then we went to go eat with my dad’s friend that he met over thirty years ago when he would study and work in England during the summers. He lived in Greater London, in Northwood. He’s Indian and originally from Kenya, which I thought was interesting. His wife in particular was very interesting. I found so much inspiration from her as she talked so joyously, all whilst being so hospitable.

She was talking about the horrible situation in Kenya – in how unsafe it was as robbers would come into houses despite having several gates and security guards. But still, she did not judge the robbers, instead feeling compassion as many of the people have such extenuating circumstances. And still, she had originally planned to go back to Kenya, but instead decided to stay saying with a laugh that plans change – inferring that a family just figures out a way to make things work somehow. I loved that.

The next day, we went to see another family friend in Bournemouth, and this guy’s wife was equally interesting. She’s a social worker who was very admirable; even my dad didn’t know how she could handle the burden and work from having to work with troubled children to which she simply replied, “You’ve got to have a lot of love.” I loved that too. She also told a story about how she had to survey a Polish couple who were immigrants to see if they could support their child. After interviewing them, she felt they were more well suited than other families because they had such a sure plan that even though they didn’t make much, they didn’t need much. They would walk instead of drive, watch movies instead of go on luxurious excursions. It reinforced my idea that I don’t need much in life to be happy, and I had a sure feeling then that I would be very happy in the future with the one I love, and get married.

I think for just having dinner at these houses, hearing their stories, and understanding their point of view that this trip is already worth it. I think that this trip is meant for me to learn something, to grow more, be something I can reflect on. I hope I can become an even better person in the future.

I also worry about the future though. My parents rarely get to see the friends they have made throughout their early years and I understand that there’s no real way around it because of the many directions that life leads us to. I just worry. I hope I don’t end up forgetting the people that I love so much right now. I hope I don’t stop missing them. Somewhere in my heart, it makes me sad to think that the people that mean the world to me now could mean nothing to me in the future. I just hope the future has a way of letting me keep in touch with all of my friends and maybe if/when I have kids, they’ll get to meet the people that made me who I am today and they’ll tell them what a crazy drunk their daddy was (or maybe still will be).

Myself At 15

2006-08-10T14:45:00.000-04:00

Myself, At 15

"I find it hard to trust people, there are very few that I can honestly say and mean with all my heart that I trust them. It's really hard for me to trust, people have to earn it. People in the world aren't the same. I have had my shares of all the betrayals and lies and it hurts to trust. But the fact that I know that trusting the people of this world is something that I want to do."

I read over my first post because I hadn't realized that I have been blogging for over five years now. I forgot what I had written, but reading it over, I felt really sad on many levels.

I felt sad that I was openly calling someone a slut and meaning it.
I felt sad that I was hurt that badly to turn to anger.
I felt sad because this was the person I used to be, and am slightly ashamed and embarassed.

But I think most of all.. I feel really sad that I couldn't trust people. I mean, I guess I still do feel the same way as I did then because, God knows I've had people in my life that claimed to be friends but in the end, disrespected me, my family, and/or our friendship.

Maybe even now, I don't trust people enough. I think part of me can't be open about certain things because I want to feel like I can be strong and independent - even if that's not the case and I end up having an even harder time. I realized my mind works in weird ways, or maybe in tandem with my heart. When I guess my heart anticipates getting hurt, it makes my mind think of scenarios to get out of it or just to run away. That's the one thing I hate about myself just because for a few moments, I really do believe those scenarios as it takes away all feeling I have.

I guess even now, I'm not so much better after five years. Maybe in another five years, I'll grow even more.

Three Little Words

2006-07-26T03:09:00.000-04:00

Three Little Words

Everyday, I probably say "I love you" ten times a day at the very least. I say it to my mom, I say it to popo, and I say it to a bunch of friends. I thought about how it may be misconstrued as just a habitual thing but in my mind, it's just a genuine feeling from within that makes me want to say it at that very moment, which happens to be every day that I talk to certain people in my life.

I don't know; I think I'm just the kinda guy that says "I love you" everyday cause who knows if I'll get another chance, but not even just that, I believe that everyone should hear it everyday. I don't think that saying those three words lowers the meaning of what they entail. I genuinely do love everyone everyday -- or everyone more everyday.

I grew up with my mom asking me every so often if I loved her, to which I'd reply, "That goes without saying," or "Of course I do; why do you keep asking?" I know my mom always wanted to hear it, to have the love of your child, but I think in the past as well, there were always doubts and insecurities when we had a more rocky relationship.

I guess part of that seeped into me; I know I love hearing it despite knowing it. But these days, I feel I have more and more love to give, maybe so much so that it overflows and I don't know what to do with it all. Maybe that's why I'm so happy these days and just not much brings me down.

I think I'm at the point where I can support myself, be truly independent yet still love the company of others. In the past, I was independent in the way that I didn't open up to people about certain parts of my life or problems but in reality, I wanted to rely on someone a lot, which is what I kind of did in my last relationship. I think I've realized something now or that I've become the sort of person to feel this way:

I don't need a hero nor do I want someone to protect me. All I want is someone who can support me. It's a subtle difference yes, but the difference seems big to me.

My Bay Area Adventure

2006-07-17T20:35:00.000-04:00

My Bay Area Adventure

My car broke down last Friday, just as I was coming back home from San Francisco thinking I was just going home to an uneventful weekend. The initial anger and frustration of car troubles and time wasted was gone, as I didn’t want to let such a thing ruin my day or my mood. I guess in the end, I turned it into a sign that I should enjoy the weekend and go out, and so I became even more determined to not let not having a car stop me from still going out and enjoying the weekend.

The beginning of my journey led me to Berkeley as Helen, in ways, kidnapped me for the weekend. I enjoyed a fun and relaxing two days of drinking, partying, and eating, and then went back to San Francisco for the rest.

I saw lots of simple refreshing things this weekend. In Berkeley, I went to a bunch of farmer’s markets to find a lot of treats, making me that much more fond of supporting local businesses and produce, being that much more delicious despite being more expensive.

On the BART, I missed the train by like thirty seconds but had I not missed that train, I wouldn’t have seen the cute baby I did in the next train, brightening up my day with his uninhibited smile. Even though he did love to lift his legs wide open and eat his boogers, he still made it cute since he was probably only two. I just hope he doesn’t keep those habits when he’s older.

I had filled my backpack with a bunch of clothes in case I ended up being stranded in certain places longer, which made me feel kind of happy that I could be somewhat nomadic surviving with so little, but at the same time, feeling the weight of material goods on my back (my backpack was filled pretty much to full capacity making me look like a turtle or a hunchback).

The funny thing about this venture was that I wasn’t sure how or when I was going to get home. But I ended up feeling that I needed to come home and spend time with my family and this day just happens to be “Spare the Air Day,” meaning most bay area transit or trains are free for the day = lucky me.

So now, I’m sitting in the Caltrain right now waiting to go back home, moving from stop to stop, thinking about what a high it is to just move from place to place, seeing new things, meeting new people, and trying new foods and such. It gets me excited and anticipate more my month in Europe despite all the people that I know I will miss.

I spent the whole weekend spending nothing on transportation, nothing on housing (yay for bumming off of friends), and little bits on food. At least I can say that I did something this weekend; well, even if I did a lot of lazying about with friends, at least it was lazy time spent together making it plenty meaningful.

Yay for turning my lemons into lemonade, cause even if there’s some sour patches, I can always add a little sugar to sweeten it up.

Wanting More Out of Love

2006-07-12T13:24:00.000-04:00

Wanting More Out of Love

I envisioned my last post as being a precursor to another one on what I wanted out of love. After having some more experience in being in and out of relationships, I realized what more I wanted out of a relationship. With time to reflect upon them, I just want someone who gets me, and who I can be completely comfortable and open with, who I can show all my quirks and oddities, and after them all, still be loved.

I had a lot of friends help me through the aftermath of the breakup in different ways, all unique to their own character and each one's effort appreciated just as much as the others. I realized how many people actually look after me and genuinely care; I didn't really know how much because I didn't need to rely on people too much before. I want a love that can be like that, where someone can really be there for me like one of my best friends and understands me and what I go through enough to help me through it instead of just saying, "It'll be okay," and hope to move on to the next topic.

Ideally, I want someone who understands me without having to say anything. It's just refreshing knowing that you have the same morals and come from the same background with the same ideas on certain things. Not that I have any real preference for specific races, I just feel that my last relationship was really exhausting in terms of how little he understood me, which I guess was the reason for many of our arguments. I guess that's why I wondered how it would be to date someone from a similar background or just Asian in general. I mean, when I think about it, Jay, Jr and I get along so well and part of it is probably due to our similar morals and ideas on family, so it's not like I would need to date someone who is from Hong Kong to get that.

It's hard to describe that feeling of talking to someone from the same background and figuring out all the little things you have in common, from life and from the ethnic background, and interchangeably using Cantonese and English (termed Chinglish perhaps?) when the word is better understood in one language or the other. The feeling of being understood without having to say or explain anything -- all I can say is that it's rare for me and so I think it's very special.

Filial Piety in the 21st Century

2006-07-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

Filial Piety in the 21st Century

So my dad asked me to take my grandma to the doctor yesterday, only he got the appointment wrong and said it was today instead of tomorrow. I initially got mad considering I moved around plans to compensate because being Chinese and filial piety-ness a la Confucius, I cannot refuse the request and my duty as the youngest child to help my family when it's needed (and of course, I wouldn't have refused anyway). But alas, I will move around plans again and because it's for my grandma, I would do anything for her.

My mom made a comment (jokingly) about how even though I came home, she's still barely seen me. I felt kinda bad about it so I'm thinking of ways I can spend time with my family while I'm here, while also juggling time with friends and such. I also want to think of things I can do for them, show them how much I've missed them and somewhat repay them for all they've done for me.

I remember when I was going through hard times last year, I would end up taking them out on my mom, not consciously of course. My mom didn't do anything wrong; it's just when I was wanting to be alone, she wouldn't give me the privacy I needed. I apologized later after my mind was clearer and she just smiled and said she forgot about it already.

I wonder if I'm even worthy of such kindness. I don't think I'd even be the person I am today without such a great foundation that they have given me. Last night, we all had dinner together (my dad, mom, grandma, brother, and me), and later on we all were in the living room together; and even if the cumulative time was only around ten minutes, it was just so precious to me.

It makes me sad to know that there are parents and families who don't love each other, don't accept each other, or don't want to be together; and in turn, it makes me feel so blessed, yet undeserving of having what I have. Even still, it's not to say that we were without our share of problems too. I still look back sometimes and see all the problems my family had and the scars that I often overlook, realizing that it did take a long time to get to where we are today.

It makes me happy that we've moved away from the arguments about gangs and preferences to arguments on who gets to drive the new car or about getting an appointment wrong.

Setting Goals

2006-07-10T12:37:00.000-04:00

Setting Goals

Well, I set a goal to try to blog everyday and I had every intention of doing so but I just didn't have the time. Funny isn't it how I just said that going home meant resting and I actually was kinda out for the past two days.

I want to make the most out of everyday in summer just because I feel like my time is so limited. For once, three months has never felt so short in my life. A month here and a month there, I feel like I don't have enough time to do what I want to do or spend with the people that I love.

I feel so torn like that Letoya Luckett song cause part of me wants to be in San Diego or with my friends from San Diego, part of me loves being back home, and part of me feels like I should be spending more time with my family. I guess I'm not that worried, it's only been two days since I've been home so I still have a lot of time to do hopefully everything I want to do.

I'm thinking I'm just going to try to wake up early every morning so as to not waste the day, set some goals (ranging from something as miniscule as catching up on movies and dramas to other things like exploring the city or learning new recipes from my grandma), and hopefully tackle at least one a day, so that I can at least honestly say that everyday was productive.

High on Life

2006-07-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

High On Life

Ever since school ended for the year, I've been on the most incredible high of my life. Of course I don't mean drugs, but just being high on life and I still stand by my belief that life is the greatest and most fulfilling high that you can ever be on; well not that I have tried other methods but I'm just that happy where I feel that I wouldn't need it.

I've been spending a lot of time with friends, going to birthday parties and bonfires, clubbing, a week in the bay, meeting new people and making new friends and seeing new things. I think everyday for the past three weeks (excluding the past two days), I've gotten around five hours of sleep a day, but I wasn't tired. I guess my mind didn't want my body to rest because there was just so much to do and I didn't want to miss out on any of it.

But now after I had some time to rest, I realized it's taken a toll on my body because I've been constantly tired and taking two naps a day. I have felt so exhausted but in a good way. In retrospect, I feel good still because I actually made something out of my first three weeks of summer vacation and it's already felt like two months have gone by.

All I have left to do is pack and move into my new apartment, go clubbing and see friends some more, and then pack and drive home to Sunnyvale. I am so looking forward to sleeping in uninterrupted and spending a whole day on the couch watching food network, VH1, MTV and dramas (but feel free to join me). Ahh.. Carl is in much need for some R&R.

"I think I might enjoy the quiet nights of this empty life."
-- Cigarettes by The Wreckers